Day Four

Our last night here in Key West. This time tomorrow we will be on our way home and back to reality. Truth be told, reality never was far behind during my stay here. I had expectations that this vacation was going to cure me of all the depression and sadness, I have felt since January. To my surprise, I broke down and sobbed today and wanted to stay in bed. I gave in to bed in the afternoon, but still spent the morning walking along Harbor Walk and having breakfast at a cafe that was not located on the tourist strip. Paradise. This is suppose to be paradise. It is beautiful down here, and I am grateful for the experience. Last year I told myself, I wanted to try a different place each year. I still want to see the Niagara Falls on the Toronto side, Black Hills, Custer's Last Stand, Ireland and Bermuda. I am sure there are other places to see. I just do not have them on my top ten list. I have been fortunate in my life to travel at a young age and bring my boys with me. We have been to different parts of Florida, Las Vegas, saw Hoover Dam, walked across a bridge into Arizona, been to New Orleans, California, Vermont, New York, Cancun Mexico, Bahamas, and several other places, as to not bore you.

Last night my daughter-in-law was crying. I know she misses Joe just as much as the rest of us. When I think about it, Trish has seen Joe change and grow throughout the years. She saw Joe graduate from Boot Camp in the Great Lakes. She seen him going out with Ashley. She saw him going out with Jackie, was there when Ava was born. My daughter-in-law has been a huge part of my life these last years. Just like my son Shaun who is the protector, so is Trish. I asked her about her tears last night. (have you noticed that even when I am away, I know what is going on back in Pennsylvania) Trish said, she was crying because her boys are growing up. She said, Nikolas graduated from Kindergarten and Shaun rode his bike to school on his own for the first time. She sounds like all the mothers. Watching time roll by without stopping it. We have as much control over time, as we do the clouds forming in the sky. Yes. I sat on the balcony and watched the cloud formations. I am a ball of excitement.

I wish I could control time. Sometimes, I want to stop it or roll it back to change a few things, then there are times, I want it to jump a head, especially when I feel pain and sorrow. I wish I could describe the pain inside. It is so intense and has so much power that I can't stand it. I would do anything for it to pass. Grief. This is what true grief feels like. You can't run from it. You can't hide from it. It is there inside you just waiting to spill over. I never felt like this before. I saw my grandparents die, children of friends die, my brother die and never ever felt this kind of pain. People always admired my ability to move on in adversity. I spent eight years worrying I would lose Josh. Then, he found treatment and today is living a normal life. What I never expected was I would lose my youngest son. It never crossed my mind. Fate really gave us all a slam dunk on this one.

Acceptance. I need to find acceptance, but I know it will come in its own time. I want to give up and in some ways I have given up. It takes enormous effort to move into the day. This is suppose to be Paradise. Paradise would be seeing my son have a life that was happy and content. Paradise would be seeing Ava with her Dad. Paradise is not a place, but a state of mind. The sun shines bright and its rays burn. I wish they could burn away the sorrow. Tomorrow, I will get back on that tiny plane to Miami, then on another plane to Philadelphia. I want to bottle up the sun's rays and somehow store them within myself. But for now, I will get dressed and walk over to that place that has Cuban food.