The Struggle

I am unable to sleep. There are so many emotions and thoughts swimming around inside me, I cannot lay any of them to rest. I have learned over the last two years to learn how to laugh at myself and with others. I believe that has been a major factor in holding on to any sanity, I may have left. Some days are harder than others. Tonight is one of the harder ones. Fresh back from vacation, re-energized for work, increase changes at work and to be frank, I do not think I can carry on anymore changes. Not here. Not now. I watched as an entire life changed over a matter of months and with that change has come incredible unbearable hurt and loss.

There is not a soul alive who can comprehend what I struggle with on a daily basis. There is not one soul alive, I can talk to without the guilt. I have never been one to express my inner most thoughts or feelings and right now, under these conditions, I feel completely shut down and with that very much alone.

There have been three major changes at work in the last two years. Three different Directors of this program and now again the new Director wants to make another potential difficult change that will impact all that I have worked so hard to achieve. Yes. I have my job. No. I do not expect to lose it. My work is well respected. Others look to me for guidance. That being said, I would rather be laid off, then to do what they are proposing, as I see a future full of frustration and stress at a time, I cannot endure anymore stressors.

Work has been my escape from all the wrongs in my life. If I do not have my work, I will be left with nothing. I already lost my way of life, my home, my loved ones. How can I bear another loss or change? I can't. I won't.