The title says about everything I feel right now. I am at a stand still. I am not sure what to do or how to do it. What I do know is it cannot go on this way any longer. I need to reconcile myself over decisions others are making. I just do not know how to accomplish that.
It has been a busy couple of weeks with work, teaching and trainings. I have completed 24 out of 25 required educational hours for the year as per mandated by the state. I am going to do an online course for the last credit. I have completed courses in Neurobiology, Relapse Prevention, Cycles of Violence and Trauma. The state requires a lot of education per year and I am running out of places to take the classes as I do not want to repeat trainings but to discover new classes on subjects I am interested in.
Then there is work.
And my personal life.
Work keeps me going.
Home Life is so depressing and scary that I become overwhelmed with these sudden feelings of fear, I wonder if I will survive. At least the trauma trainings have taught relaxation techniques that I can use on myself as well as the patients I encounter. Daily readings, writing and music helps too. I am no longer in denial about whether or not he will go away but understand it is about the length of time, he will be away. He will probably never get married or have another child. He will have to change into someone he is not in order to survive the years ahead. The anger I feel must stay beneath the surface for as a witness, I know he is innocent and that someone else is guilty. However, that does not matter anymore to the people who are suppose to protect and serve. I will have my say. To that there will be no doubt. I will not just sit back and take it. I will speak but it is not the right time.
I have not seen her in almost three months and spoke via phone once since. I will not beg or plea anymore. It is what it is whether I like it, believe it is unfair and refuse to be blamed any longer. In the end, she loses out. I have a lot of love to give.
Then there is the feeling of God's cruelty. Place a little girl in my life for a short time then abruptly remove her. I am not sure what horrible sin I committed in my life that I deserved such a harsh punishment. And "no", I do not feel sorry for myself. I have done my best and that knowledge sustains me.
Like I mentioned, I walked a thousand miles and I expect to walk another thousand miles. Fear. Anger. Loss. Hurt. Sadness. Hope. They are just some of the emotions I have experienced thus far. I should add disappointment as well.
The bad news is I do not see an end in sight. The good news is I am dealing with it pretty well. Depression and anxiety have been kept at a distance not because of some magic pill but because of the way I chose to think and how I tapped into my own personal strengths. I look forward to a future though I am unsure how that future looks. I will see Ireland next year no matter what. I am determined to walk the paths of my ancestors and continue my genealogy journey.
This has been one hell of journey so far. I should write a book.
At least I got the title right when I created this blog though I should add Life is about the Journey.
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