Powerlessness

Codependent Life

I am powerless translated means that I am not God in anyone else’s life. Worrying and sacrificing my life for them, won’t save them and it robs me of my own life. When I sacrifice myself to make them happy or to try and make them like me or to make them do what I think is right, the more of me I lose. The more of myself that I sacrifice the more I have to sacrifice until the real me doesn’t exist anymore.

I became a fraud, a counterfeit doing things I didn't want to do and saying things I didn't mean trying to hold on. To what I was trying to hold onto I have no idea. It was not real I can tell you that much for sure, because, even when they responded the way I wanted them to I did not trust the results. I was not honest about my motives and I did not believe anyone else was either. I was living a lie trying to control and I believed everything they did was a lie to get me off their back. We were just defusing the problem temporarily until the next time.

It took a while for me to realize that my personal battle trying to control other people was sucking the life out of me and it perpetuated a desperate hopelessness that never went a way. Nothing I tried to do to “save” or control someone else ever made those feelings go away because it was not built on honesty. Accepting my powerlessness was like taking a big gulp of air and it gave me hope.