Let Go Hold On

I am up in my head. Restless. Anxious. Angry. Fearful. I took off from work yesterday to see my granddaughter. That plan fell through. I wanted to speak with my granddaughter on the phone. That plan did not pan out either. I was left holding my emotions in my hands thinking I do not know what to do with them. Most of the time, the original plan with my granddaughter falls through no matter how far in advance the plan is made. I am not even sure whom I am mad at. Am I mad at myself for having expectations? Am I mad at the mother for not being dependable? Am I mad at my son for placing us all in this situation? I do not know anymore. The game is warring on me. I just want some normalcy in my relationship. As time ticks on by, I wonder if there will ever be any normalcy.

I always expected that my relationship with my grandchildren would be the same as the relationship I had with my own grandparents. I could not be more wrong. As the holidays fast approach and none of my children are interested in getting together for the Thanksgiving holiday, the thought of any normalcy quickly slides away. I have invites to spend the holiday with my sister and her family as well as an invite from my dear friend, Regina. I can work. I can stay home with my husband. I wish I could forget what life used to be like when I had everyone at my house for the holidays. Those days are gone and new memories need to be made. I have grown sons with significant others and those significant others want to be with their own families. It makes me wish I had a daughter. And then there is that granddaughter whom I so much want a relationship and the relationship is so restricted that it is impossible to make any memories. As I stated earlier, I am left holding these emotions and I am unsure what to do with them.

Let Go? Hold On?