The Christmas Tree

I had the day off. I guess there are some benefits to working the weekend. I watched the sun rise this morning despite the misty fog, drank a cup of hot brewed coffee, threw on some yoga pants and a hoodie and off I went to the gym before I went shopping at Whole Foods. I like to buy fruits, vegetables and bakery goods at Whole Foods and I like to buy my meats at the Acme. Whole Foods also has a nice flower shop where I often purchase flowers or plants. Today, I picked up then put down a mini-Christmas tree complete with lights, and ornaments. I have not decorated for Christmas or any other holiday since I felt forced out of my house in Roxborough more than two years ago. Prior to that I had loved to decorate for Christmas with a living tree, ornaments, lights, candles, stockings that truly hung over a fireplace and the annual open house on Christmas Eve. Tragedy stroked in early 2011 and any type of normal living went out the door. I went into survivor mode and in many aspects continued to do so. We stayed in the house for about eight months, but three break-ins forced us to rent out our house and move out of the city. I sometimes wonder if I will ever move back. It was the house of my dreams, large, old and full of warmth and charm. It was filled with happy memories of children laughing, the sound of kittens playing with their collar bells ringing, the site of family get-togethers, filled with love. God, I miss that feeling!

The mini-Christmas tree was 20 bucks. I picked it up, looked at it, thought about placing it on my dining room table, stopped, then put it back down. I could not bring myself to buy it anymore, than I could pull out the decorations packed away in a closet in the apartment I currently live at. I guess I am not ready to jump into any holiday season, though I must admit I am better this year. I did spend time with family at Thanksgiving and I bought Christmas gifts for the little ones thus far. I had thoughts of having family come over for a little Christmas cheer the weekend before Christmas. However, it is still just a thought. I am unsure whether or not I can actually go through with that sort of plan. Some people wonder why I would even share these personal thoughts or feelings on a blog site. I am a genealogist. I want a living record. I also know, I am not alone.