Southermost on the Beach
Monday, June 13, 2011
Day Five
It was a long and rocky flight, but we made it home after beginning our trip home up from the Keys at 930am and finally landing at 7pm. I do not think I will be flying anywhere in the near future. Delays. Delays. Delays. The flight to Miami was uneventful. At least this plane had life jackets. The flight from Miami to Philadelphia was delayed 30mins to boarding, then another two hours as we sat on board before finally taking off. We were in the back of the plane and the turbulence was horrible. If I did not have my seat belt on I would have hit my head on the ceiling above me. When a plane rattles and rolls like that I think about it coming a part at the seams. I could care less about looking for any exit signs this time, because I knew if this plane went down, we were not surviving. However the children across the row from us slept the entire time and I thought if my grandson Shaun were on board, he would have been excited, because the turbulence to him means adventure. Yes, we flew together on a flight like this one in the past and that was exactly what he thought. As a matter of fact, I remember him yelling out loud, "yes. we are gonna crash". Not exactly something the passengers wanted to hear. We made it home and I thanked the pilot several times. He told me, "Oh , just a little turbulence. Not so bad". Sorry kind Sir, that is not what I thought.
So here I am back home and scheduled to work tomorrow. I can't help but wonder if I am mentally ready to take on someone else's problems, when I cannot deal with my own. I thought a vacation away would magically make me feel better. It did not. I came home to the same reality as before. For the first time in my life, I wondered if I could go on with this pain, I feel inside. How am I suppose to get through the days, weeks, months and years of struggle a head of me. How can I be strong for others, when I do not feel strong myself? I look around this house and see all that needs to be done. I see the bills that need to be paid. I have four student loans I must begin to pay back in addition to the student loan Bill still has. I have been out of work without pay, because I exhausted all my paid time off. I have classes to complete that I placed on hold. I am suppose to have 25 credit hours per year for my job. It is June and I have none. I never applied for another student loan for the school year 2011-2012. I am not on top of my game. This is a first for me. Part of me cares, but most of me does not care.
I looked over my balcony in Key West yesterday morning and thought about not returning home. I thought about finding some shack to live in by myself, and close out the entire world. Then I thought of my sons. My grandsons. My granddaughter. If I was not around I know they would survive, but how much pain would I cause them?
I have to do something. I cannot go on this way. I keep crying out for help, but no one is listening or maybe they just do not know what to do. Leave the house? Take a leave of absence from work? Stay at my parents' house in Washington Crossing? Stay at Shaun & Trish's house? I just want the noise in my head to stop.
So here I am back home and scheduled to work tomorrow. I can't help but wonder if I am mentally ready to take on someone else's problems, when I cannot deal with my own. I thought a vacation away would magically make me feel better. It did not. I came home to the same reality as before. For the first time in my life, I wondered if I could go on with this pain, I feel inside. How am I suppose to get through the days, weeks, months and years of struggle a head of me. How can I be strong for others, when I do not feel strong myself? I look around this house and see all that needs to be done. I see the bills that need to be paid. I have four student loans I must begin to pay back in addition to the student loan Bill still has. I have been out of work without pay, because I exhausted all my paid time off. I have classes to complete that I placed on hold. I am suppose to have 25 credit hours per year for my job. It is June and I have none. I never applied for another student loan for the school year 2011-2012. I am not on top of my game. This is a first for me. Part of me cares, but most of me does not care.
I looked over my balcony in Key West yesterday morning and thought about not returning home. I thought about finding some shack to live in by myself, and close out the entire world. Then I thought of my sons. My grandsons. My granddaughter. If I was not around I know they would survive, but how much pain would I cause them?
I have to do something. I cannot go on this way. I keep crying out for help, but no one is listening or maybe they just do not know what to do. Leave the house? Take a leave of absence from work? Stay at my parents' house in Washington Crossing? Stay at Shaun & Trish's house? I just want the noise in my head to stop.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Day Four
Our last night here in Key West. This time tomorrow we will be on our way home and back to reality. Truth be told, reality never was far behind during my stay here. I had expectations that this vacation was going to cure me of all the depression and sadness, I have felt since January. To my surprise, I broke down and sobbed today and wanted to stay in bed. I gave in to bed in the afternoon, but still spent the morning walking along Harbor Walk and having breakfast at a cafe that was not located on the tourist strip. Paradise. This is suppose to be paradise. It is beautiful down here, and I am grateful for the experience. Last year I told myself, I wanted to try a different place each year. I still want to see the Niagara Falls on the Toronto side, Black Hills, Custer's Last Stand, Ireland and Bermuda. I am sure there are other places to see. I just do not have them on my top ten list. I have been fortunate in my life to travel at a young age and bring my boys with me. We have been to different parts of Florida, Las Vegas, saw Hoover Dam, walked across a bridge into Arizona, been to New Orleans, California, Vermont, New York, Cancun Mexico, Bahamas, and several other places, as to not bore you.
Last night my daughter-in-law was crying. I know she misses Joe just as much as the rest of us. When I think about it, Trish has seen Joe change and grow throughout the years. She saw Joe graduate from Boot Camp in the Great Lakes. She seen him going out with Ashley. She saw him going out with Jackie, was there when Ava was born. My daughter-in-law has been a huge part of my life these last years. Just like my son Shaun who is the protector, so is Trish. I asked her about her tears last night. (have you noticed that even when I am away, I know what is going on back in Pennsylvania) Trish said, she was crying because her boys are growing up. She said, Nikolas graduated from Kindergarten and Shaun rode his bike to school on his own for the first time. She sounds like all the mothers. Watching time roll by without stopping it. We have as much control over time, as we do the clouds forming in the sky. Yes. I sat on the balcony and watched the cloud formations. I am a ball of excitement.
I wish I could control time. Sometimes, I want to stop it or roll it back to change a few things, then there are times, I want it to jump a head, especially when I feel pain and sorrow. I wish I could describe the pain inside. It is so intense and has so much power that I can't stand it. I would do anything for it to pass. Grief. This is what true grief feels like. You can't run from it. You can't hide from it. It is there inside you just waiting to spill over. I never felt like this before. I saw my grandparents die, children of friends die, my brother die and never ever felt this kind of pain. People always admired my ability to move on in adversity. I spent eight years worrying I would lose Josh. Then, he found treatment and today is living a normal life. What I never expected was I would lose my youngest son. It never crossed my mind. Fate really gave us all a slam dunk on this one.
Acceptance. I need to find acceptance, but I know it will come in its own time. I want to give up and in some ways I have given up. It takes enormous effort to move into the day. This is suppose to be Paradise. Paradise would be seeing my son have a life that was happy and content. Paradise would be seeing Ava with her Dad. Paradise is not a place, but a state of mind. The sun shines bright and its rays burn. I wish they could burn away the sorrow. Tomorrow, I will get back on that tiny plane to Miami, then on another plane to Philadelphia. I want to bottle up the sun's rays and somehow store them within myself. But for now, I will get dressed and walk over to that place that has Cuban food.
Last night my daughter-in-law was crying. I know she misses Joe just as much as the rest of us. When I think about it, Trish has seen Joe change and grow throughout the years. She saw Joe graduate from Boot Camp in the Great Lakes. She seen him going out with Ashley. She saw him going out with Jackie, was there when Ava was born. My daughter-in-law has been a huge part of my life these last years. Just like my son Shaun who is the protector, so is Trish. I asked her about her tears last night. (have you noticed that even when I am away, I know what is going on back in Pennsylvania) Trish said, she was crying because her boys are growing up. She said, Nikolas graduated from Kindergarten and Shaun rode his bike to school on his own for the first time. She sounds like all the mothers. Watching time roll by without stopping it. We have as much control over time, as we do the clouds forming in the sky. Yes. I sat on the balcony and watched the cloud formations. I am a ball of excitement.
I wish I could control time. Sometimes, I want to stop it or roll it back to change a few things, then there are times, I want it to jump a head, especially when I feel pain and sorrow. I wish I could describe the pain inside. It is so intense and has so much power that I can't stand it. I would do anything for it to pass. Grief. This is what true grief feels like. You can't run from it. You can't hide from it. It is there inside you just waiting to spill over. I never felt like this before. I saw my grandparents die, children of friends die, my brother die and never ever felt this kind of pain. People always admired my ability to move on in adversity. I spent eight years worrying I would lose Josh. Then, he found treatment and today is living a normal life. What I never expected was I would lose my youngest son. It never crossed my mind. Fate really gave us all a slam dunk on this one.
Acceptance. I need to find acceptance, but I know it will come in its own time. I want to give up and in some ways I have given up. It takes enormous effort to move into the day. This is suppose to be Paradise. Paradise would be seeing my son have a life that was happy and content. Paradise would be seeing Ava with her Dad. Paradise is not a place, but a state of mind. The sun shines bright and its rays burn. I wish they could burn away the sorrow. Tomorrow, I will get back on that tiny plane to Miami, then on another plane to Philadelphia. I want to bottle up the sun's rays and somehow store them within myself. But for now, I will get dressed and walk over to that place that has Cuban food.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Day Three
We spent the morning walking the old cemetery grounds and learning about the Old Key West. I find solace in cemeteries. I always have. Many people think that is weird or strange, but if you were a Family Genealogist like myself, you would understand. Every headstone tells a story. Sit, Rest, Reflect or In God's Care, Perfect Peace and Child of my Heart mean something to me. How that person lived. How they impacted the lives around them. How they were thought of even after death. My youngest son, Joseph was always the child of my heart with his sweet smile and carefree life as a child. He was pleasant, social and happy. He was the child of my heart. All three of my sons are so different, yet so much the same. Shaun the protector, Joshua, the sensitive and loving and Joseph, the child of my heart. I walked amongst the graves reading, reflecting and finding peace within this tortured heart.
The names on the stones stood out to me. Some names were Texas, Lydia, Earl. It is funny to see a person's first name as Texas, which was not a state back then, but is a state today. Most had Spanish names. Some were famous, most were ordinary people living ordinary lives. The only Tropical Birds of the island were in the cemetery when we spotted two Herons. There were also a few lizards. Nearly three feet long that when you approached, they ran down underneath a grave. Bodies and lizards living together. Now that is a strange thought. The graves were mostly above ground due to the chance of flooding. The cemetery opened in 1842 after the cemetery on Higgs Beach washed away. The same thing happened in New Orleans and Jamestown. The bodies that were interred in the ground had cement or bricks paved on top. Another way to prevent, bodies from surfacing and washing away in a flood zone. I have pictures to be posted later.
The afternoon was spent at the pool with pool side frozen drinks called Pineapple Chi Chi. Today, the sun was hot. The music, typical island. The man smoking a cigar, annoying. Last night, I watched all the 20 somethings dancing to their type of music from my balcony. They were fun to watch. They seemed so happy and carefree. They laughed while they danced and the night time breeze through the Palm trees caught it in the air. To be young again and feel so carefree.
The names on the stones stood out to me. Some names were Texas, Lydia, Earl. It is funny to see a person's first name as Texas, which was not a state back then, but is a state today. Most had Spanish names. Some were famous, most were ordinary people living ordinary lives. The only Tropical Birds of the island were in the cemetery when we spotted two Herons. There were also a few lizards. Nearly three feet long that when you approached, they ran down underneath a grave. Bodies and lizards living together. Now that is a strange thought. The graves were mostly above ground due to the chance of flooding. The cemetery opened in 1842 after the cemetery on Higgs Beach washed away. The same thing happened in New Orleans and Jamestown. The bodies that were interred in the ground had cement or bricks paved on top. Another way to prevent, bodies from surfacing and washing away in a flood zone. I have pictures to be posted later.
The afternoon was spent at the pool with pool side frozen drinks called Pineapple Chi Chi. Today, the sun was hot. The music, typical island. The man smoking a cigar, annoying. Last night, I watched all the 20 somethings dancing to their type of music from my balcony. They were fun to watch. They seemed so happy and carefree. They laughed while they danced and the night time breeze through the Palm trees caught it in the air. To be young again and feel so carefree.
Thursday, June 09, 2011
Day Two Part II
So the tears did come, but passed quickly. Today is Ava's birthday and the first without her father. The thought makes me sad, so terribly sad. Anyway, I got myself together and off we went on round two of scooter time. I was a little more frighten this time, since the man whom I married was a little more reckless. Bravery is not a medal, I will receive anytime soon. We passed some more chickens, before parking and heading down Duval Street to a Mexican Place that did not make frozen drinks. Really? Key West + Mexican Place and no frozen drinks? How dare they? We got up and left and went to a place called Willy T's. They had frozen drinks. Yes. With alcohol.
While eating and drinking, I got the chance to once again do my favorite thing, people watch. I know. I am just a ball of excitement. By the way, Trish, I was going to take a picture of that sign, but two of the WORKING GIRLS were sitting outside, so I decided to pass, like in pass on by without taking my IPhone out. Maybe tomorrow. Let me get back to the more important subject of people watching. So I am slowly sipping that frozen drink and I look across the street of this outside cafe and I spot a man half naked giving the peace sign to every person walking by. OK. Am I at work or what? The man was older and if I were to guess, a long ago hippie or as Bill now calls them, locals. Not funny. I know. Actually, I have only spotted a few locals and most were not hippies. Why was this man half naked and giving the peace sign to everyone, well I have no answer. None other than, he finally got on a bike and rode off down the street past the guy blowing a flute with a dog wearing sun glasses sitting beside him.
So Bill's words of the day. I can't wait to tell ya. It is amazing to be on vacation and having conversations with the person whom I married. Should try it at home. OK. Bill. Not FUNNY. Bill says out of the blue (that is how all his conversations begin) that if he were a senator or congressman, he would never be stupid enough to take a picture of his cock (his words) and post it on twitter or facebook or online. Whatever. Then, he continues on with especially if my wife were pregnant and it was to some other girls. REALLY? The conversation continues with him saying that he would not be stupid enough to do that even if he were not a senator or congressman. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I SURE HOPE NOT.
While eating and drinking, I got the chance to once again do my favorite thing, people watch. I know. I am just a ball of excitement. By the way, Trish, I was going to take a picture of that sign, but two of the WORKING GIRLS were sitting outside, so I decided to pass, like in pass on by without taking my IPhone out. Maybe tomorrow. Let me get back to the more important subject of people watching. So I am slowly sipping that frozen drink and I look across the street of this outside cafe and I spot a man half naked giving the peace sign to every person walking by. OK. Am I at work or what? The man was older and if I were to guess, a long ago hippie or as Bill now calls them, locals. Not funny. I know. Actually, I have only spotted a few locals and most were not hippies. Why was this man half naked and giving the peace sign to everyone, well I have no answer. None other than, he finally got on a bike and rode off down the street past the guy blowing a flute with a dog wearing sun glasses sitting beside him.
So Bill's words of the day. I can't wait to tell ya. It is amazing to be on vacation and having conversations with the person whom I married. Should try it at home. OK. Bill. Not FUNNY. Bill says out of the blue (that is how all his conversations begin) that if he were a senator or congressman, he would never be stupid enough to take a picture of his cock (his words) and post it on twitter or facebook or online. Whatever. Then, he continues on with especially if my wife were pregnant and it was to some other girls. REALLY? The conversation continues with him saying that he would not be stupid enough to do that even if he were not a senator or congressman. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I SURE HOPE NOT.
Day Two Part I
When I arrived here yesterday morning, I never thought a change of scenery would change my total feeling of sadness. I went against Bill's rule he jokily tells the kids, "no having fun". Of course, the kids always respond with "but I am having fun". We rented a scooter for our stay here to tour the island. At first, I thought "should I"? It is a little scary to climb on the back of a scooter with an accident prone husband piloting the thing. I mean there were visions of me sliding off the back or crashing into something. I mean the man slipped off the curb this morning carrying coffee, which ended up on the sidewalk. Now, would you trust riding with this guy?
We ventured off and the wind in my hair made me feel free, as I took in all the sights of the beautiful tropical plants and flowers (ok, so I like to garden) and the old historic houses. We discovered a place called the Blue Heaven where we ate breakfast amongst the free range chickens, rooster and stray cats. This place was fabulous not only for its history but for its food. Can I just say, the banana bread is to die for. Anyway, we ate in the outside courtyard under the 200+ year old Spanish Elm Tree with chickens running about our feet and two that were standing up on tree branches. Wait! Back up! Chickens can't fly, but they can climb trees? I am a city girl and I do not know much about farm animals, but I never heard of chickens climbing trees. Believe me, I took pictures, which I will upload at a later date. I needed proof of this since I am sure no one will believe me.
We finished our breakfast amongst the creatures and hopped back on the scooter. We passed the Naval Fly Station and base where the families of those in the military live. We passed by what I now consider Key West's Tropical bird, the Chicken or I should say several chickens running every which way with a rooster or two or three or one hundred walking among them. We took in the sights of the Gulf of Mexico on one side of the island, as well as the Atlantic Ocean on the other side. Afterwards, we decided there were three Key West Tropical Birds, the chicken, the pigeon and the parasailor.
Then we found it. No, it was not Hemingway's house, it was the Key West Cemetery. Oh Yes! A Cemetery. With Graves. With Very Old Graves. That Reminded Me Of The Cemeteries In New Orleans. Most of which, are above ground due to the flooding. Yes. I have pictures!
We ventured off and the wind in my hair made me feel free, as I took in all the sights of the beautiful tropical plants and flowers (ok, so I like to garden) and the old historic houses. We discovered a place called the Blue Heaven where we ate breakfast amongst the free range chickens, rooster and stray cats. This place was fabulous not only for its history but for its food. Can I just say, the banana bread is to die for. Anyway, we ate in the outside courtyard under the 200+ year old Spanish Elm Tree with chickens running about our feet and two that were standing up on tree branches. Wait! Back up! Chickens can't fly, but they can climb trees? I am a city girl and I do not know much about farm animals, but I never heard of chickens climbing trees. Believe me, I took pictures, which I will upload at a later date. I needed proof of this since I am sure no one will believe me.
We finished our breakfast amongst the creatures and hopped back on the scooter. We passed the Naval Fly Station and base where the families of those in the military live. We passed by what I now consider Key West's Tropical bird, the Chicken or I should say several chickens running every which way with a rooster or two or three or one hundred walking among them. We took in the sights of the Gulf of Mexico on one side of the island, as well as the Atlantic Ocean on the other side. Afterwards, we decided there were three Key West Tropical Birds, the chicken, the pigeon and the parasailor.
Then we found it. No, it was not Hemingway's house, it was the Key West Cemetery. Oh Yes! A Cemetery. With Graves. With Very Old Graves. That Reminded Me Of The Cemeteries In New Orleans. Most of which, are above ground due to the flooding. Yes. I have pictures!
Wednesday, June 08, 2011
Day One
Why is it when you know you need to be up at 330am, you can't fall asleep until 1am? Then you drag your weary ass body to the car with your carry-on bags, and head out to the airport parking, then get on a shuttle to the airline. In our case, it was American Airlines "something special in the air". Our flight was for 6am, we took off at 624am. The idea was to land in Miami at 845am and take the 930am connecting flight to the Key West airport.
This is where the story gets good. We get in at 9am at gate 80 and must walk or in our case RUN to gate 60 to get the connecting flight. Halfway to gate 60, my husband discovers he lost his wallet. He thinks he left it on the plane, so he hands me all the carry-on bags, and wobbles back to gate 80. (he has a metal hip and now is recovering from a fractured ankle that has plates and screws) I continue on my way to gate 60 with all these bags and pull my back out AGAIN. I make it to the counter to check-in, explain the situation with my husband, and was promptly told in a "I wanna punch you in the face way, are you getting on board or not, we are closing the gate". In my sweetest but killer voice, I say, "Let me call him and see where he is". They both looked at me and repeated, "we are closing the gate". I stand halfway in and halfway out dropping bags, trying to call Bill and I replied, "it is 915am, the plane leaves at 930am". I was greeted by another sweet comment like "that is why we are closing the gate because we want to leave at 930am". Now, let us review the circumstances here. I am a paying customer. I AM A PAYING CUSTOMER and you are telling me, I either miss the flight or board without the man with the wallet, with the ID, with the money. Hmmmm. Jackass.
Thankfully, here comes Bill hobbling down the steps as fast as his crippled ankle allows him with lost wallet in hand, and we just about make the flight. All I could think of at that moment was how rude the airline staff were and the letter of complaint I was going to write until I saw the size of the plane. Oh Dear Lord, they have all these people stuffed in a plane that has two seaters across and propellers right outside my window that look as if they belong on a sea plane. Now, the flight from Philadelphia to Miami was uneventful and we had plenty of leg room. In contrast, this plane with the propellers, I would be afraid to stand for fear the entire plane would tip over. OVER WATER. OVER WATER WITH SHARKS. The first thing I did was look for the exit sign and life jackets. NO LIFE JACKETS ON THIS PLANE WHICH IS FLYING OVER WATER. We could use the seat cushions as floating devices. Someone shoot me NOW. Anyway, I am a planner, so I scouted out which exit sign/door, I could get out with my floating device. Then, I figured out a plan in my head, how I was going to jump over and through people to get out FIRST. Hope the crippled husband could keep up. Each man/woman to his/her self, I thought. Then I thought about those sharks and that floating cushion, and I wondered if I floated quietly would they still take my legs off. Thank God, we were up in the air for 30 minutes. Can you imagine, what plans I could come up with if the flight were longer?
The ground of Key West was a welcomed sight. The taxi cab ride was short. The driver was a woman out of the hippie era who cursed at every bike rider on the way. Of course, our room was not ready, so we stored our bags and hit the beach and pool. I wondered where the Americans were since everyone seemed to be speaking a different language. Oh that's right, our economy sucks. Our dollar is worthless. I am sure those from other countries are getting more for their buck. I like to watch people. I think it is interesting how those who were in their sixth or seventh month of pregnancy were wearing bikinis. Finally, our room was ready. I planned on taking a nap, but my mind would not stop racing. How can a person feel sad in Key West? I am not normal in any sense of that word. The resort is nice. It is not the Atlantis, but it feels like I am in the Bahamas all the same.
I think it is funny how Bill brings up these weird subjects out of the blue. We spoke about pregnant women wearing bikinis and all of a sudden, we get into a discussion of how men can go without shirts and women can't. Bill said, "women should go without shirts because then it would be normal". OK? Until he added, men can go without shirts and women can't because it is how man keeps woman down. Oh for the love of God, did he really say that? Can't wait to see what adventures Day Two brings. Accidental drowning , perhaps?
This is where the story gets good. We get in at 9am at gate 80 and must walk or in our case RUN to gate 60 to get the connecting flight. Halfway to gate 60, my husband discovers he lost his wallet. He thinks he left it on the plane, so he hands me all the carry-on bags, and wobbles back to gate 80. (he has a metal hip and now is recovering from a fractured ankle that has plates and screws) I continue on my way to gate 60 with all these bags and pull my back out AGAIN. I make it to the counter to check-in, explain the situation with my husband, and was promptly told in a "I wanna punch you in the face way, are you getting on board or not, we are closing the gate". In my sweetest but killer voice, I say, "Let me call him and see where he is". They both looked at me and repeated, "we are closing the gate". I stand halfway in and halfway out dropping bags, trying to call Bill and I replied, "it is 915am, the plane leaves at 930am". I was greeted by another sweet comment like "that is why we are closing the gate because we want to leave at 930am". Now, let us review the circumstances here. I am a paying customer. I AM A PAYING CUSTOMER and you are telling me, I either miss the flight or board without the man with the wallet, with the ID, with the money. Hmmmm. Jackass.
Thankfully, here comes Bill hobbling down the steps as fast as his crippled ankle allows him with lost wallet in hand, and we just about make the flight. All I could think of at that moment was how rude the airline staff were and the letter of complaint I was going to write until I saw the size of the plane. Oh Dear Lord, they have all these people stuffed in a plane that has two seaters across and propellers right outside my window that look as if they belong on a sea plane. Now, the flight from Philadelphia to Miami was uneventful and we had plenty of leg room. In contrast, this plane with the propellers, I would be afraid to stand for fear the entire plane would tip over. OVER WATER. OVER WATER WITH SHARKS. The first thing I did was look for the exit sign and life jackets. NO LIFE JACKETS ON THIS PLANE WHICH IS FLYING OVER WATER. We could use the seat cushions as floating devices. Someone shoot me NOW. Anyway, I am a planner, so I scouted out which exit sign/door, I could get out with my floating device. Then, I figured out a plan in my head, how I was going to jump over and through people to get out FIRST. Hope the crippled husband could keep up. Each man/woman to his/her self, I thought. Then I thought about those sharks and that floating cushion, and I wondered if I floated quietly would they still take my legs off. Thank God, we were up in the air for 30 minutes. Can you imagine, what plans I could come up with if the flight were longer?
The ground of Key West was a welcomed sight. The taxi cab ride was short. The driver was a woman out of the hippie era who cursed at every bike rider on the way. Of course, our room was not ready, so we stored our bags and hit the beach and pool. I wondered where the Americans were since everyone seemed to be speaking a different language. Oh that's right, our economy sucks. Our dollar is worthless. I am sure those from other countries are getting more for their buck. I like to watch people. I think it is interesting how those who were in their sixth or seventh month of pregnancy were wearing bikinis. Finally, our room was ready. I planned on taking a nap, but my mind would not stop racing. How can a person feel sad in Key West? I am not normal in any sense of that word. The resort is nice. It is not the Atlantis, but it feels like I am in the Bahamas all the same.
I think it is funny how Bill brings up these weird subjects out of the blue. We spoke about pregnant women wearing bikinis and all of a sudden, we get into a discussion of how men can go without shirts and women can't. Bill said, "women should go without shirts because then it would be normal". OK? Until he added, men can go without shirts and women can't because it is how man keeps woman down. Oh for the love of God, did he really say that? Can't wait to see what adventures Day Two brings. Accidental drowning , perhaps?
Thursday, May 26, 2011
The Births Part IX
Shaun Patrick Zysk was born August 14, 2001. His mother went into labor August 12th, but he did not make his arrival until late Tuesday night August 14th. This child made me a grandmother. I remember looking at him through the Nursery window shortly after his birth and saying to myself that I felt no different. I was not sure how I was suppose to feel, but I did not feel different. Well, that all changed the following day when I held him in my arms for the first time. My heart overflowed with so much love, I thought I would not be able to contain it. He was precious. He was beautiful. I had totally and completely became a grandmother that day. When Trish and her baby were discharged from the hospital, I spent the night at their house. The baby slept in a cradle by my side because I wanted Trish to get some rest. She had a long hard labor and it ended in a C-Section. But when the baby cried during the night, I watched her get up and move slowly down the stairs to care for her infant. I watched this woman become a mother and I knew at that moment, I would go home and allow these three people bond and become a family.
Nikolas Joseph Zysk was born on November 30, 2004 by a planned C-Section. I remember my son Shaun coming out excited and overjoyed at the birth of his second son. We were all amazed how much Nikolas resembled his older brother Shaun Patrick at birth. I remember looking at him through the Nursery window and thinking he was breathing pretty hard but the nurses did not seem concerned, so I thought perhaps this was normal after birth. I left the hospital and no sooner had I entered my front door, I received a frantic call from my son telling me Nikolas went into respiratory distress and Trish's heart rate dropped. I remember feeling sick as we raced back to the hospital where Joe dropped me off at the front door and he went to park the car as I ran up to the floor where Trish had just given birth. I told Shaun to stay with Trish as I went to the NICU to stay with Nikolas. I do not remember how much time passed, before Shaun came to the Nursery to tell me Trish was Ok. It would be three days before we would know if Nikolas would be Ok. Each day I entered the NICU and rubbed his feet and hands as he was hooked up to oxygen and IV's. I would tell him he had to get better so he could spend weekends at my house like his older brother. I recall a nurse telling me babies who are sick do not like to be touched. I told her I believed the opposite. That nurse hated when I came to the NICU because I continued to touch and talk to my grandson. On the third day, Nikolas woke up and I knew he was going to be fine. He went home with a device that monitored his breathing and an alarm went off everytime he stopped breathing. The problem with that device was it also went off when he moved in certain ways. Those first few months were scary. I remember my son telling me that his family was complete and that he was not risking Trish's safety for another pregnancy.
June 9, 2007, I was blessed with the very first female in my life when Ava Marie Zysk came into this world. She was born to my son Joseph and his girlfriend Jackie. I remember my son's face when he came out to the waiting room to tell us she had arrived. He had a huge tired smile. Jackie had been in labor nearly an entire day. Right before Ava was born, they could not hear her heart beat and prepared Jackie for an emergency C-Section. Thankfully, the change in Jackie's position brought back the heart beat and Ava was born naturally a short time later. I remember going into the room and seeing her for the first time. She seemed so tiny. The difference with her birth as oppose to the boys was she remained in the room with her mother and was not taken to the Nursery. A few days later, Joey, Jackie and Ava came home to my house where they would reside for the first six months of Ava's life. The middle bedroom was made into an Nursery, but the baby spent most of her time in a cradle by her parents' bed. In the first few months of Ava's life, she screamed and screamed. I remember singing to her, rocking her, walking the floor with her. Finally, the doctor began treating her for Acid Reflux and what a difference that made. During those first few months of Ava's crying, I have to say her parents were fantastic. It was a difficult time for them, however, they had the patience and tolerance to take care of their daughter and to this day I can say they are great parents even though their relationship did not last, they always made/make decisions together based on the welfare of their daughter.
Three sons, two grandsons, one granddaughter and a wonderful daughter-in-law and granddaughter's mommy later, I count my blessings to have all of them in my life.
Nikolas Joseph Zysk was born on November 30, 2004 by a planned C-Section. I remember my son Shaun coming out excited and overjoyed at the birth of his second son. We were all amazed how much Nikolas resembled his older brother Shaun Patrick at birth. I remember looking at him through the Nursery window and thinking he was breathing pretty hard but the nurses did not seem concerned, so I thought perhaps this was normal after birth. I left the hospital and no sooner had I entered my front door, I received a frantic call from my son telling me Nikolas went into respiratory distress and Trish's heart rate dropped. I remember feeling sick as we raced back to the hospital where Joe dropped me off at the front door and he went to park the car as I ran up to the floor where Trish had just given birth. I told Shaun to stay with Trish as I went to the NICU to stay with Nikolas. I do not remember how much time passed, before Shaun came to the Nursery to tell me Trish was Ok. It would be three days before we would know if Nikolas would be Ok. Each day I entered the NICU and rubbed his feet and hands as he was hooked up to oxygen and IV's. I would tell him he had to get better so he could spend weekends at my house like his older brother. I recall a nurse telling me babies who are sick do not like to be touched. I told her I believed the opposite. That nurse hated when I came to the NICU because I continued to touch and talk to my grandson. On the third day, Nikolas woke up and I knew he was going to be fine. He went home with a device that monitored his breathing and an alarm went off everytime he stopped breathing. The problem with that device was it also went off when he moved in certain ways. Those first few months were scary. I remember my son telling me that his family was complete and that he was not risking Trish's safety for another pregnancy.
June 9, 2007, I was blessed with the very first female in my life when Ava Marie Zysk came into this world. She was born to my son Joseph and his girlfriend Jackie. I remember my son's face when he came out to the waiting room to tell us she had arrived. He had a huge tired smile. Jackie had been in labor nearly an entire day. Right before Ava was born, they could not hear her heart beat and prepared Jackie for an emergency C-Section. Thankfully, the change in Jackie's position brought back the heart beat and Ava was born naturally a short time later. I remember going into the room and seeing her for the first time. She seemed so tiny. The difference with her birth as oppose to the boys was she remained in the room with her mother and was not taken to the Nursery. A few days later, Joey, Jackie and Ava came home to my house where they would reside for the first six months of Ava's life. The middle bedroom was made into an Nursery, but the baby spent most of her time in a cradle by her parents' bed. In the first few months of Ava's life, she screamed and screamed. I remember singing to her, rocking her, walking the floor with her. Finally, the doctor began treating her for Acid Reflux and what a difference that made. During those first few months of Ava's crying, I have to say her parents were fantastic. It was a difficult time for them, however, they had the patience and tolerance to take care of their daughter and to this day I can say they are great parents even though their relationship did not last, they always made/make decisions together based on the welfare of their daughter.
Three sons, two grandsons, one granddaughter and a wonderful daughter-in-law and granddaughter's mommy later, I count my blessings to have all of them in my life.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Reliving It Part V
I did not want to go to an all girl's catholic high school. I wanted to go the public high school two blocks from where we lived. I lost that battle and ended up spending four glorious years at St. Hubert's Catholic High School for Girls.
The horror of it all began on the very first day of ninth grade when I wore my uniform to school. No one bothered to tell me that the first day of school meant pretty dresses not uniforms. Did I mention I stuck out like a sore thumb? Again? Every morning in homeroom, the girls had to kneel on the floor for uniform inspection which simply meant our uniforms had better reach the floor or else we were in deep shit. I bet our brother school Father Judge did not have to submit to such nonsense, but then again they were of the male variety. I hated every single day of my first year of high school so much I failed science and ended up in summer school. Did I mention, I would go on to college and be a science major and receive A's?
Anyway, the second year was much better. I met my best friend and future Maid of Honor because she sat directly behind me in homeroom. I was a Weleski, she was a Wike and neither of us were in the school council and/or cheerleaders. Those girls were the important ones in our world at the time. Those girls were also petite and pretty and giggled a lot. By contrast, I was tall and did not giggle in that "Oh my God, you are so great kind of way". I got honors that year.
I also had my first real boyfriend who by the way was a senior at the public school. Man, I was so cool going out with a senior who actually had a car and could dance. He also introduced me to beer and pizza. He was also a little crazy waiting outside my last class just to drive me home so I could not hang with the girls and/or guys in my group. I used to sneak around the building when I spotted his car and take off up back alley ways until I got home. One night he drove by and shouted out the window, "I am breaking off with you". I responded with, "Oh Well". He was pretty pissed because I was suppose to go to his prom, but opted to go to another prom instead at Father Judge, the all male catholic high school.
I have to say that year was fun. The guys at Jack in the Box built a fort down the woods where we would have parties on the weekends as well as run from the police on horseback. Winter meant ice skating on the pond and/or creek. It also meant sledding down Austin Meehan. We also hung in an abandon trailer where the guys would hide their illegal beverages in the vents. That was fun too until the cops found out. I remember having this amazing crush on one of my brother's friends. My brother and I were close in age, therefore, shared many of the same friends. This guy never gave me a second look. As a matter of fact, several of the guys in our group did not give me a second look. I thought it was because I was too tall and flat chested. I later found out it was because they were afraid of my brother. That year I got my first job at Jeanes' Pizza which did not last long because my father believed my job was school not work.
The summer of 1976 I spent in Southern California with my grandparents, uncle, aunt and six cousins. It was one of the best times of my life. We traveled the coast up to Nevada. I thought I was in heaven. The waves were huge in the pacific and I remember being knocked down and dragged all the way back to the beach by one. In the evenings, I would fish out on the pier with my grandfather. He not only taught me to fish, but he taught me how to shoot pool. I was pretty good at both. Another amazing memory of my grandfather was his ability to tell stories. The stories may have been real or false, but the way he told them made you feel as if you were experiencing them yourself. He also gave great back rubs. I adored my grandfather and thought he was the best man God ever gave to this earth. He had integrity, strength, love, compassion and a protector. He was also a man before his time. He taught me how important an education was. That a woman should have a career and never depend on a man.
The horror of it all began on the very first day of ninth grade when I wore my uniform to school. No one bothered to tell me that the first day of school meant pretty dresses not uniforms. Did I mention I stuck out like a sore thumb? Again? Every morning in homeroom, the girls had to kneel on the floor for uniform inspection which simply meant our uniforms had better reach the floor or else we were in deep shit. I bet our brother school Father Judge did not have to submit to such nonsense, but then again they were of the male variety. I hated every single day of my first year of high school so much I failed science and ended up in summer school. Did I mention, I would go on to college and be a science major and receive A's?
Anyway, the second year was much better. I met my best friend and future Maid of Honor because she sat directly behind me in homeroom. I was a Weleski, she was a Wike and neither of us were in the school council and/or cheerleaders. Those girls were the important ones in our world at the time. Those girls were also petite and pretty and giggled a lot. By contrast, I was tall and did not giggle in that "Oh my God, you are so great kind of way". I got honors that year.
I also had my first real boyfriend who by the way was a senior at the public school. Man, I was so cool going out with a senior who actually had a car and could dance. He also introduced me to beer and pizza. He was also a little crazy waiting outside my last class just to drive me home so I could not hang with the girls and/or guys in my group. I used to sneak around the building when I spotted his car and take off up back alley ways until I got home. One night he drove by and shouted out the window, "I am breaking off with you". I responded with, "Oh Well". He was pretty pissed because I was suppose to go to his prom, but opted to go to another prom instead at Father Judge, the all male catholic high school.
I have to say that year was fun. The guys at Jack in the Box built a fort down the woods where we would have parties on the weekends as well as run from the police on horseback. Winter meant ice skating on the pond and/or creek. It also meant sledding down Austin Meehan. We also hung in an abandon trailer where the guys would hide their illegal beverages in the vents. That was fun too until the cops found out. I remember having this amazing crush on one of my brother's friends. My brother and I were close in age, therefore, shared many of the same friends. This guy never gave me a second look. As a matter of fact, several of the guys in our group did not give me a second look. I thought it was because I was too tall and flat chested. I later found out it was because they were afraid of my brother. That year I got my first job at Jeanes' Pizza which did not last long because my father believed my job was school not work.
The summer of 1976 I spent in Southern California with my grandparents, uncle, aunt and six cousins. It was one of the best times of my life. We traveled the coast up to Nevada. I thought I was in heaven. The waves were huge in the pacific and I remember being knocked down and dragged all the way back to the beach by one. In the evenings, I would fish out on the pier with my grandfather. He not only taught me to fish, but he taught me how to shoot pool. I was pretty good at both. Another amazing memory of my grandfather was his ability to tell stories. The stories may have been real or false, but the way he told them made you feel as if you were experiencing them yourself. He also gave great back rubs. I adored my grandfather and thought he was the best man God ever gave to this earth. He had integrity, strength, love, compassion and a protector. He was also a man before his time. He taught me how important an education was. That a woman should have a career and never depend on a man.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
A Struggle One Cannot Comprehend
One night four weeks ago has changed my life and those close to me forever. In a matter of a week, I lost my faith in law enforcement, people and God. I have been through a lot of adversity in my life, but all of that adversity does not compare with what I feel today. I am more fortunate than others because I have support and believe my loved one has just as much support. However, I wonder as everyone gets on with their regular daily routines, will that support dwindle away to the point of nonexistence?
People mean well with their words of "putting it into God's hands", "justice will prevail", "have faith", "stay strong", "you are strong", "move forward", "one step at a time", "you are in my prayers', and the list goes on and on and on....... Hate to tell you folks but my life cannot JUST move on right now. I have no control and the little bit of control I have is invested into providing whatever comfort I can to an innocent party who was railroaded by some lazy ass people who are more concerned with closing a case and watching a football game as they eat their fucking pizza than actually doing some REAL work and completing a thorough investigation because THAT person who should have been arrested walks free today because thus far has gotten away with it.
Investigation means just that investigating. To this day, one person was questioned, pressured and lied too because he trusted people whom today I would never trust. Add the fact that he had just experienced a horrific trauma, did not sleep for two days, was ignorant of lying law enforcement and what do we have, a closed case. Am I angry? You are fucking right, I am angry. I was in the house, however, I was not questioned. Before those pricks came to my house, they had already picked out their victim and like a bunch of blood thirsty wolves they went in for the kill. "I do not feel comfortable having him go give a statement without a lawyer". The response I got was "it is an omission of guilt, if he goes with a lawyer". More lies. More corruption.
I will not even speak of the way he has been trashed in the media along with other members of my family. The media presents a story with half truths, but seems to leave out the parts where truth may prevail. Again, no investigation. Even the fucking reporters do not investigate, before they write their stories. I wonder how many innocent people sit in prison because of such tactics? Then, there are some blogs out there that dissect a person/s, with opinions but no evidence. It makes you hate the world. It makes you think would it be better to just consume those 90 Valium that sit in one's purse?
A home that was always full of children, laughing, playing, cuddling and watching movies has ended in this house. A little girl's bedroom has been disassembled. I would not even bring those children here because I had to pack away their little lives because I have to sell and move out of a home and neighborhood that I love. I no longer feel safe here. My neighbors have been cruel. People speak none stop. Questions. Comments. Opinions. And all along I suffer a pain so deep that I fear this one thing could be the thing that breaks me. Change. Loss. Fear. That is my daily life from dawn to dusk and even beyond with the nightmares.
In four weeks, I have lost my entire way of life.
People mean well with their words of "putting it into God's hands", "justice will prevail", "have faith", "stay strong", "you are strong", "move forward", "one step at a time", "you are in my prayers', and the list goes on and on and on....... Hate to tell you folks but my life cannot JUST move on right now. I have no control and the little bit of control I have is invested into providing whatever comfort I can to an innocent party who was railroaded by some lazy ass people who are more concerned with closing a case and watching a football game as they eat their fucking pizza than actually doing some REAL work and completing a thorough investigation because THAT person who should have been arrested walks free today because thus far has gotten away with it.
Investigation means just that investigating. To this day, one person was questioned, pressured and lied too because he trusted people whom today I would never trust. Add the fact that he had just experienced a horrific trauma, did not sleep for two days, was ignorant of lying law enforcement and what do we have, a closed case. Am I angry? You are fucking right, I am angry. I was in the house, however, I was not questioned. Before those pricks came to my house, they had already picked out their victim and like a bunch of blood thirsty wolves they went in for the kill. "I do not feel comfortable having him go give a statement without a lawyer". The response I got was "it is an omission of guilt, if he goes with a lawyer". More lies. More corruption.
I will not even speak of the way he has been trashed in the media along with other members of my family. The media presents a story with half truths, but seems to leave out the parts where truth may prevail. Again, no investigation. Even the fucking reporters do not investigate, before they write their stories. I wonder how many innocent people sit in prison because of such tactics? Then, there are some blogs out there that dissect a person/s, with opinions but no evidence. It makes you hate the world. It makes you think would it be better to just consume those 90 Valium that sit in one's purse?
A home that was always full of children, laughing, playing, cuddling and watching movies has ended in this house. A little girl's bedroom has been disassembled. I would not even bring those children here because I had to pack away their little lives because I have to sell and move out of a home and neighborhood that I love. I no longer feel safe here. My neighbors have been cruel. People speak none stop. Questions. Comments. Opinions. And all along I suffer a pain so deep that I fear this one thing could be the thing that breaks me. Change. Loss. Fear. That is my daily life from dawn to dusk and even beyond with the nightmares.
In four weeks, I have lost my entire way of life.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Great Escape
I was told a few months ago to take a step back and "learn from my adversity". I was in the middle of probably the most frighten time of my life, and I was being told to take something from the experience and learn from it. It is amazing how those few simple words have stayed with me, and have been the source of my strength in these last few weeks.
I did not cause it. I cannot change it. I certainly cannot control it. All I can do is make a decision not to put up with it, and to protect those in the line of direct fire. The words of someone whom you have loved dearly can pierce one's heart and rip the very soul out. I made a decision and it is I who will have to live with the consequences of my actions. I am OK with that. A year ago, I probably would not have been OK with that because I would have allowed my fear to take control. The fear is still there, however, I am making a choice to face it, rather than avoid or hide from it. No easy task, but a necessary one.
I met a man in Frederick Maryland yesterday at a small Irish pub in the center of town. He spoke of Ireland, and in the middle of the conversation, I realized our families were from the same parts of Ireland. I even learned he is also a descendant of the Boland line. He was the owner of the pub and went on to tell me, he owned another pub in Baltimore. He said, he travels back to Ireland each and every year to visit family in County Mayo, Donegal and Belfast.
He invited us to join one of the tours, he puts together every October. I think we will keep in touch.
We love to stay in a rented 19th century Civil War Era house in Gettysburg. We probably stay here three or four times a year. I call it my Great Escape from the real world. We traveled the 30 miles south of Gettysburg into Frederick yesterday for the day. Frederick is a small historic town with a ton of charm. We stopped at an old Catholic Cemetery known as St. John's, before heading to a tiny corner bakery for some treats and a walk downtown. It was cold and the little one was not necessarily in the mood for a long walk, so we stopped off at Patrick's Irish Pub for an authentic Irish lunch of Shepherd's pie for me and Fish & Chips for Bill. Of course, Ava opt for the chicken fingers, which she did not eat. We also made a visit to the Civil War Medical Museum. The old building that housed the museum was once known as the "embalming station", where the Civil War dead was embalmed, placed in coffins and shipped back to their families that is if the family could afford the 62 dollars to pay for such a service. I guess the price is the reason why so many of the dead remained interred where they died. 62 dollars in 1862 was a lot of cash for the simple common folk.
Today, we head back to reality known as Philadelphia with its troubles, problems, and responsibilities. Not sure if I am ready.
I did not cause it. I cannot change it. I certainly cannot control it. All I can do is make a decision not to put up with it, and to protect those in the line of direct fire. The words of someone whom you have loved dearly can pierce one's heart and rip the very soul out. I made a decision and it is I who will have to live with the consequences of my actions. I am OK with that. A year ago, I probably would not have been OK with that because I would have allowed my fear to take control. The fear is still there, however, I am making a choice to face it, rather than avoid or hide from it. No easy task, but a necessary one.
I met a man in Frederick Maryland yesterday at a small Irish pub in the center of town. He spoke of Ireland, and in the middle of the conversation, I realized our families were from the same parts of Ireland. I even learned he is also a descendant of the Boland line. He was the owner of the pub and went on to tell me, he owned another pub in Baltimore. He said, he travels back to Ireland each and every year to visit family in County Mayo, Donegal and Belfast.
He invited us to join one of the tours, he puts together every October. I think we will keep in touch.
We love to stay in a rented 19th century Civil War Era house in Gettysburg. We probably stay here three or four times a year. I call it my Great Escape from the real world. We traveled the 30 miles south of Gettysburg into Frederick yesterday for the day. Frederick is a small historic town with a ton of charm. We stopped at an old Catholic Cemetery known as St. John's, before heading to a tiny corner bakery for some treats and a walk downtown. It was cold and the little one was not necessarily in the mood for a long walk, so we stopped off at Patrick's Irish Pub for an authentic Irish lunch of Shepherd's pie for me and Fish & Chips for Bill. Of course, Ava opt for the chicken fingers, which she did not eat. We also made a visit to the Civil War Medical Museum. The old building that housed the museum was once known as the "embalming station", where the Civil War dead was embalmed, placed in coffins and shipped back to their families that is if the family could afford the 62 dollars to pay for such a service. I guess the price is the reason why so many of the dead remained interred where they died. 62 dollars in 1862 was a lot of cash for the simple common folk.
Today, we head back to reality known as Philadelphia with its troubles, problems, and responsibilities. Not sure if I am ready.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Journey
Since I was a teenager, I always kept a journal. I continued keeping a journal until last year when I abruptly stopped writing. There are several reasons why I discontinued journaling my thoughts and feelings, but the main reason was because I thought writing did not matter anymore. It was not like anyone was reading it, and if they did, it probably would be taken out of context and hurt some feelings. Let's be honest, if I wrote everything I thought and/or felt, some feelings may be hurt and frankly, I am not about hurting people.
In the end, I began writing more cryptic sentences than anything else.
Today, I am going to start writing again. However, I will do my best not to hurt anyone's feelings, though truth-to-told, I probably will ruffle a few feathers.
I received a wonderful reference letter from someone I admire very much. He is my mentor and has directed me in the way of my profession the last year or so. He is also the toughest professor I have ever had because he upholds high standards for the Therapeutic profession. He is who I wish to model my profession after. Everything I learn, I apply. I have also learned a valuable lesson in all this and that is having the ability to be comfortable in my own skin.
I spent most of my life wishing my last name was not "WELESKI". Today, I embrace the name. I will no longer be a ZYSK and I will never be a CANNON. However, I will always be a WELESKI with a GALLAGHER mother. The Gallaghers are a proud bunch who have always lived their lives with integrity, dignity and utmost compassion and respect. I am proud to be a descendant of such a strong family. Today, I embrace all parts of who I am and for the first time in my life, I am comfortable with it. I know who I am and no one will throw me off my square.
In the end, I began writing more cryptic sentences than anything else.
Today, I am going to start writing again. However, I will do my best not to hurt anyone's feelings, though truth-to-told, I probably will ruffle a few feathers.
I received a wonderful reference letter from someone I admire very much. He is my mentor and has directed me in the way of my profession the last year or so. He is also the toughest professor I have ever had because he upholds high standards for the Therapeutic profession. He is who I wish to model my profession after. Everything I learn, I apply. I have also learned a valuable lesson in all this and that is having the ability to be comfortable in my own skin.
I spent most of my life wishing my last name was not "WELESKI". Today, I embrace the name. I will no longer be a ZYSK and I will never be a CANNON. However, I will always be a WELESKI with a GALLAGHER mother. The Gallaghers are a proud bunch who have always lived their lives with integrity, dignity and utmost compassion and respect. I am proud to be a descendant of such a strong family. Today, I embrace all parts of who I am and for the first time in my life, I am comfortable with it. I know who I am and no one will throw me off my square.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Friday, October 01, 2010
Another Result Of Tropical Storm Nicole
East River Drive a.k.a Kelly Drive
Location at Midvale Avenue
Location at Midvale Avenue
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy
REBT (pronounced R.E.B.T. — it is not pronounced rebbit) is based on the premise that whenever we become upset, it is not the events taking place in our lives that upset us; it is the beliefs that we hold that cause us to become depressed, anxious, enraged, etc. The idea that our beliefs upset us was first articulated by Epictetus around 2,000 years ago: "Men are disturbed not by events, but by the views which they take of them."
The Goal of Happiness
According to Albert Ellis and to REBT, the vast majority of us want to be happy. We want to be happy whether we are alone or with others; we want to get along with others—especially with one or two close friends; we want to be well informed and educated; we want a good job with good pay; and we want to enjoy our leisure time.
Of course life doesn't always allow us to have what we want; our goal of being happy is often thwarted by the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." When our goals are blocked, we can respond in ways that are healthy and helpful, or we can react in ways that are unhealthy and unhelpful.
The ABC Model
Albert Ellis and REBT posit that our reaction to having our goals blocked (or even the possibility of having them blocked) is determined by our beliefs. To illustrate this, Dr. Ellis developed a simple ABC format to teach people how their beliefs cause their emotional and behavioral responses:
A. Something happens.
B. You have a belief about the situation.
C. You have an emotional reaction to the belief.
For example:
A. Your employer falsely accuses you of taking money from her purse and threatens to fire you.
B. You believe, “She has no right to accuse me. She's a bitch!”
C. You feel angry.
If you had held a different belief, your emotional response would have been different:
A. Your employer falsely accuses you of taking money from her purse and threatens to fire you.
B. You believe, “I must not lose my job. That would be unbearable.”
C. You feel anxious.
The ABC model shows that A does not cause C. It is B that causes C. In the first example, it is not your employer's false accusation and threat that make you angry; it is your belief that she has no right to accuse you, and that she is a bitch. In the second example, it is not her accusation and threat that make you anxious; it is the belief that you must not lose your job, and that losing your job would be unbearable.
The Three Basic Musts
Although we all express ourselves differently, according to Albert Ellis and REBT, the beliefs that upset us are all variations of three common irrational beliefs. Each of the three common irrational beliefs contains a demand, either about ourselves, other people, or the world in general. These beliefs are known as
"The Three Basic Musts."
1.I must do well and win the approval of others for my performances or else I am no good.
2.Other people must treat me considerately, fairly and kindly, and in exactly the way I want them to treat me. If they don't, they are no good and they deserve to be condemned and punished.
3.I must get what I want, when I want it; and I must not get what I don't want. It's terrible if I don't get what I want, and I can't stand it.
The first belief often leads to anxiety, depression, shame, and guilt. The second belief often leads to rage, passive-aggression and acts of violence. The third belief often leads to self-pity and procrastination. It is the demanding nature of the beliefs that causes the problem. Less demanding, more flexible beliefs lead to healthy emotions and helpful behaviors
Disputing
The goal of REBT is to help people change their irrational beliefs into rational beliefs. Changing beliefs is the real work of therapy and is achieved by the therapist disputing the client's irrational beliefs. For example, the therapist might ask, "Why must you win everyone's approval?" "Where is it written that other people must treat you fairly?" "Just because you want something, why must you have it?" Disputing is the D of the ABC model. When the client tries to answer the therapist's questions, s/he sees that there is no reason why s/he absolutely must have approval, fair treatment, or anything else that s/he wants.
Insight
Albert Ellis and REBT contend that although we all think irrationally from time to time, we can work at eliminating the tendency. It's unlikely that we can ever entirely eliminate the tendency to think irrationally, but we can reduce the frequency, the duration, and the intensity of our irrational beliefs by developing three insights:
1.We don't merely get upset but mainly upset ourselves by holding inflexible beliefs.
2.No matter when and how we start upsetting ourselves, we continue to feel upset because we cling to our irrational beliefs.
3.The only way to get better is to work hard at changing our beliefs. It takes practice, practice, practice.
Acceptance
Emotionally healthy human beings develop an acceptance of reality, even when reality is highly unfortunate and unpleasant. REBT therapists strive to help their clients develop three types of acceptance: (1) unconditional self-acceptance; (2) unconditional other-acceptance; and (3) unconditional life-acceptance. Each of these types of acceptance is based on three core beliefs:
Unconditional self-acceptance:
1.I am a fallible human being; I have my good points and my bad points.
2.There is no reason why I must not have flaws.
3.Despite my good points and my bad points, I am no more worthy and no less worthy than any other human being.
Unconditional other-acceptance:
1.Other people will treat me unfairly from time to time.
2.There is no reason why they must treat me fairly.
3.The people who treat me unfairly are no more worthy and no less worthy than any other human being.
Unconditional life-acceptance:
1.Life doesn't always work out the way that I'd like it to.
2.There is no reason why life must go the way I want it to
3. Life is not necessarily pleasant but it is never awful and it is nearly always bearable.
REBT Today
Clinical experience and a growing supply of experimental evidence show that REBT is effective and efficient at reducing emotional pain. When Albert Ellis created REBT in the 1950's he met with much resistance from others in the mental health field. Today it is one of the most widely-practiced therapies throughout the world. In the early days of REBT, even Dr. Ellis did not clearly see that consistent use of its philosophical system would have such a profound effect on the field of psychotherapy or on the lives of the millions of people who have benefited from it.
Shameless Happiness
This introduction to REBT is based on Shameless Happiness, a concise booklet that outlines the basics of REBT.
Features
Home
Albert Ellis Biography
What Is REBT?
REBT Library
Ask Dr. Ellis
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Find a Therapist
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Contact Us News
All Out! An Autobiograpy
This candid autobiography, the last work by renowned psychologist Albert Ellis, is a tour de force of stimulating ideas, colorful descriptions of memorable people and events, and straightforward, no-nonsense talk. Ellis, the creator of one of the most successful forms of psychotherapy-Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT)-recounts the memorable episodes of his life; discusses how he coped with emotional problems at different stages of life; describes his love life; and subjects his own self-description to a ruthlessly honest critique. Click here to buy the book.
Shameless Happiness
A concise booklet that outlines the ABCs of unhealthy negative emotions and self-defeating behavior. Shows how to dispute your irrational beliefs. Great for beginners and experienced REBTers alike. Download the book.
Albert Ellis Tribute Book Series Launched
The series will include books of readings for professionals, psychology self-help, psychotherapy theory and practice, the application of philosophy to clinical practice, professional guides for working with special populations, and classroom and college texts. Learn more about the Tribute Series
Albert Ellis Documentary
A documentary about the life and opinions of psychotherapy's most important and influential voice. Watch a preview.
New eBook Released
How to Conquer Your Frustrations by Dr. William J. Knaus. Download the free eBook.
Free e-Book: Rational Emotive Education
Dr. William J. Knaus directly, forthrightly, and with no nonsense about it, shows almost any interested teacher how he or she may use REE in the course of regular classroom lessons and other activities. Download the free e-Book.
REBT Moves Forward
The outcome of two conferences points to an exciting future for REBT. More.
International REE Committee Formed
The formation of an international committee to advance Rational Emotive Education is a major step towards the introduction of REBT to school students around the world. More.
Search This Site
© 2006 REBT Network
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy | Albert Ellis
The Goal of Happiness
According to Albert Ellis and to REBT, the vast majority of us want to be happy. We want to be happy whether we are alone or with others; we want to get along with others—especially with one or two close friends; we want to be well informed and educated; we want a good job with good pay; and we want to enjoy our leisure time.
Of course life doesn't always allow us to have what we want; our goal of being happy is often thwarted by the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." When our goals are blocked, we can respond in ways that are healthy and helpful, or we can react in ways that are unhealthy and unhelpful.
The ABC Model
Albert Ellis and REBT posit that our reaction to having our goals blocked (or even the possibility of having them blocked) is determined by our beliefs. To illustrate this, Dr. Ellis developed a simple ABC format to teach people how their beliefs cause their emotional and behavioral responses:
A. Something happens.
B. You have a belief about the situation.
C. You have an emotional reaction to the belief.
For example:
A. Your employer falsely accuses you of taking money from her purse and threatens to fire you.
B. You believe, “She has no right to accuse me. She's a bitch!”
C. You feel angry.
If you had held a different belief, your emotional response would have been different:
A. Your employer falsely accuses you of taking money from her purse and threatens to fire you.
B. You believe, “I must not lose my job. That would be unbearable.”
C. You feel anxious.
The ABC model shows that A does not cause C. It is B that causes C. In the first example, it is not your employer's false accusation and threat that make you angry; it is your belief that she has no right to accuse you, and that she is a bitch. In the second example, it is not her accusation and threat that make you anxious; it is the belief that you must not lose your job, and that losing your job would be unbearable.
The Three Basic Musts
Although we all express ourselves differently, according to Albert Ellis and REBT, the beliefs that upset us are all variations of three common irrational beliefs. Each of the three common irrational beliefs contains a demand, either about ourselves, other people, or the world in general. These beliefs are known as
"The Three Basic Musts."
1.I must do well and win the approval of others for my performances or else I am no good.
2.Other people must treat me considerately, fairly and kindly, and in exactly the way I want them to treat me. If they don't, they are no good and they deserve to be condemned and punished.
3.I must get what I want, when I want it; and I must not get what I don't want. It's terrible if I don't get what I want, and I can't stand it.
The first belief often leads to anxiety, depression, shame, and guilt. The second belief often leads to rage, passive-aggression and acts of violence. The third belief often leads to self-pity and procrastination. It is the demanding nature of the beliefs that causes the problem. Less demanding, more flexible beliefs lead to healthy emotions and helpful behaviors
Disputing
The goal of REBT is to help people change their irrational beliefs into rational beliefs. Changing beliefs is the real work of therapy and is achieved by the therapist disputing the client's irrational beliefs. For example, the therapist might ask, "Why must you win everyone's approval?" "Where is it written that other people must treat you fairly?" "Just because you want something, why must you have it?" Disputing is the D of the ABC model. When the client tries to answer the therapist's questions, s/he sees that there is no reason why s/he absolutely must have approval, fair treatment, or anything else that s/he wants.
Insight
Albert Ellis and REBT contend that although we all think irrationally from time to time, we can work at eliminating the tendency. It's unlikely that we can ever entirely eliminate the tendency to think irrationally, but we can reduce the frequency, the duration, and the intensity of our irrational beliefs by developing three insights:
1.We don't merely get upset but mainly upset ourselves by holding inflexible beliefs.
2.No matter when and how we start upsetting ourselves, we continue to feel upset because we cling to our irrational beliefs.
3.The only way to get better is to work hard at changing our beliefs. It takes practice, practice, practice.
Acceptance
Emotionally healthy human beings develop an acceptance of reality, even when reality is highly unfortunate and unpleasant. REBT therapists strive to help their clients develop three types of acceptance: (1) unconditional self-acceptance; (2) unconditional other-acceptance; and (3) unconditional life-acceptance. Each of these types of acceptance is based on three core beliefs:
Unconditional self-acceptance:
1.I am a fallible human being; I have my good points and my bad points.
2.There is no reason why I must not have flaws.
3.Despite my good points and my bad points, I am no more worthy and no less worthy than any other human being.
Unconditional other-acceptance:
1.Other people will treat me unfairly from time to time.
2.There is no reason why they must treat me fairly.
3.The people who treat me unfairly are no more worthy and no less worthy than any other human being.
Unconditional life-acceptance:
1.Life doesn't always work out the way that I'd like it to.
2.There is no reason why life must go the way I want it to
3. Life is not necessarily pleasant but it is never awful and it is nearly always bearable.
REBT Today
Clinical experience and a growing supply of experimental evidence show that REBT is effective and efficient at reducing emotional pain. When Albert Ellis created REBT in the 1950's he met with much resistance from others in the mental health field. Today it is one of the most widely-practiced therapies throughout the world. In the early days of REBT, even Dr. Ellis did not clearly see that consistent use of its philosophical system would have such a profound effect on the field of psychotherapy or on the lives of the millions of people who have benefited from it.
Shameless Happiness
This introduction to REBT is based on Shameless Happiness, a concise booklet that outlines the basics of REBT.
Features
Home
Albert Ellis Biography
What Is REBT?
REBT Library
Ask Dr. Ellis
Friday Night Workshops
Find a Therapist
REBT Self Help Form
Disputing (DIBs) Form
News Briefs
Essay of the Month
REBT Books & Tapes
Links
Contact Us News
All Out! An Autobiograpy
This candid autobiography, the last work by renowned psychologist Albert Ellis, is a tour de force of stimulating ideas, colorful descriptions of memorable people and events, and straightforward, no-nonsense talk. Ellis, the creator of one of the most successful forms of psychotherapy-Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT)-recounts the memorable episodes of his life; discusses how he coped with emotional problems at different stages of life; describes his love life; and subjects his own self-description to a ruthlessly honest critique. Click here to buy the book.
Shameless Happiness
A concise booklet that outlines the ABCs of unhealthy negative emotions and self-defeating behavior. Shows how to dispute your irrational beliefs. Great for beginners and experienced REBTers alike. Download the book.
Albert Ellis Tribute Book Series Launched
The series will include books of readings for professionals, psychology self-help, psychotherapy theory and practice, the application of philosophy to clinical practice, professional guides for working with special populations, and classroom and college texts. Learn more about the Tribute Series
Albert Ellis Documentary
A documentary about the life and opinions of psychotherapy's most important and influential voice. Watch a preview.
New eBook Released
How to Conquer Your Frustrations by Dr. William J. Knaus. Download the free eBook.
Free e-Book: Rational Emotive Education
Dr. William J. Knaus directly, forthrightly, and with no nonsense about it, shows almost any interested teacher how he or she may use REE in the course of regular classroom lessons and other activities. Download the free e-Book.
REBT Moves Forward
The outcome of two conferences points to an exciting future for REBT. More.
International REE Committee Formed
The formation of an international committee to advance Rational Emotive Education is a major step towards the introduction of REBT to school students around the world. More.
Search This Site
© 2006 REBT Network
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy | Albert Ellis
Sunday, September 12, 2010
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Christ Church Upper Merion
I have to ask "where's the casket'?
"Our Boys"
Often makes me wonder the pain parents went through before vaccines and children died on a daily basis.
Sunday, September 05, 2010
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