It Has Been a Long Road

And just like  that, there is silence once again! It must feel powerful to control the emotions of others like that. I made the decision a long time ago to not feed into this  pathology. It is what it is!

Dad

My Dad is an amazing man and I treasure every day we have together. In my opinion, he is the strongest, the kindest, the wisest person I have ever known. He makes me feel safe in a very unsafe world and though I am no longer a little girl, I still need him in my everyday life. It was his silent strength that got me through some of my darkest days and his strength continues to carry through each day. I may not be his biological child however I have always felt his daughter. He has been by my side since I was three years old. He stepped up to the plate when my own father was serving two tours in Vietnam as a Naval Officer. My own father was a career military man and I rarely spent any time with him as I was growing up in the 60's and when I hit my teenage years in the 70's and he retired from the military, he got married., moved away and started another family. I never had the connection with my biological father as I have had with my Dad. I do not blame my father for not being with me as I was growing up. My mom and he divorced shortly after my birth and he was serving his country. He was unable to be with me and I was lucky my mom remarried a man who stepped into his shoes.

Holiday Weekend

I do not know where to begin so I will just write random thoughts with the hope my writing makes sense. I am here at the shore as I took a long weekend from work and home responsibilities. We came down Friday night and were pleasantly surprised that we did not hit any shore traffic. We stopped at Red Robin in Vineland for gourmet burgers and milk shakes as we got caught in a severe thunderstorm and decided to take a break. All in all we were in Cape May within three hours of travel time between Plymouth Meeting and Cape May. Saturday morning, my Dad came over to re-screen some screen room screens. My Dad and Bill have a wonderful relationship and it is fun watching them interact. It was not long before Grace and Sophia (parent's youngest granddaughter and great granddaughter) who have been staying at my parents' shore house in the neighborhood came over. Shortly, thereafter my niece Chrissy's three boys Joseph, Collin and Christopher popped in and all five kids went up to the loft and woke Nikolas up (my grandson). My niece Chrissy and her in-laws recently bought their own home in the neighborhood here in Cape May. That makes a total of four homes here now and it is so fun watching all the cousins together having a ball.

Nikolas is in the process of getting over an ear infection so we avoided the beach on Saturday and took him to lunch at Harbor View for crab cakes. Harbor View is probably my favorite place to have lunch out on the patio which overlooks the water filled with boats. It was the first time we took Nikolas and he really enjoyed it. It was nice watching Bill take Nikolas to the pier and point out the osprey nests and boats. After lunch we went to the grocery store to stock up on grilling meats and fresh fruits and vegetables. Generally, Bill and I grill and have everyone over for dinner however my mother wanted to cook dinner so we went over to her place Saturday night. Shortly after dinner my brother Frankie and his family arrived as they were going to spend the night at my parents' house and take Grace home on Sunday.

Saturday night,  we watched Independence Day on HBO so Nikolas could be prepared to go to the movies with Bill  Sunday or Monday to see the new Independence Day. And now it is Sunday morning and for the first time in weeks, I slept soundly and feel very relaxed  within. I am glad we still have two more days down here before heading back home to reality. I am also very happy to be in contact with Ava. She is the sweetest girl and I love her to pieces.

I have been so busy with daily living that I never noticed until today that I hit over 100,000 page views. Currently, I am at 100,202.

I have been feeling pretty lonely lately. Isolated in my thoughts, enjoying parts of daily living but living with a black cloud above my head. There is a shadow that seems to follow me through my days and though I want time to hurry up I also want it to slow down all at the same time. I have been reading a lot and playing too many computer games on my downtime away from work. Recently, I have been forcing myself to sit out on the balcony and drink my coffee as the dawn arises or have a glass of wine or a bottle of water in the evenings as the sun sets and the moon appears. I spend too much time in my bedroom. When I am busy at work, I never feel lonely. It is the weekends when that feeling creeps in. It is as though I am not comfortable with the stillness. Truth be told, I am probably not comfortable with my own thoughts. Being consumed with work means I do not have to think about personal things. I have been going back and forth about the house in Roxborough. I love that house and I have been away from that house for 5 years. I have been holding onto it thinking that one day I could go back that I could rise above the events that drove me away from it. I wonder if I can ever rise above the events that drove me away from it. In my heart I still think I can go back. In my mind I know one can never go back. The past is exactly that, "The past". I should sell the house because it bleeds me of money every single month. The thought of selling the house also overwhelms me. It is as though I need someone else to deal with that house.

I need to figure out how to really move on.

Grandparents and Books

It has been a while since I last blogged. Somehow there does not seem to be enough time in the day for everything that needs to be done. I have several pictures to upload. That will have to wait. This weekend we stayed home in Plymouth Meeting instead of heading to Cape May. Tomorrow we have a birthday party to attend so we opted to remain home. It just means I get to spend more time with Aubree. Maybe I can watch her swim in our pool. Last night as Aubree and I sat on the balcony eating ice cream cones I had a memory of my grandmother and I sitting on the front steps at her Ridge Ave home when I was a little girl. Grandpop and I would walk to the Drug Store and get an ice cream cone then walk back and sit on the steps on many summer evenings. It was so long ago however I remember it as though it were yesterday. Most importantly, I remember feeling very loved by my grandparents. It was a time when there were not any computers and video games or even air conditioners. Summer time meant sitting out front with neighbors chatting and playing or running under the fire plug to cool off. The front steps was where I learned to play jax. My summers were filled with jumping "double dutch", riding my bike, roller skating, jumping on a Po Go stick. I played with paper dolls and used my imagination. How many kids today can say that? Being a good grandparent is important to me. I believe I have been able to achieve that goal so far. From time to time, I come across someone who will tell me I am "too involved" in my grandchildren's lives. I do not believe anyone can "be too involved". The same few folks who have mentioned that to me are the same folks who did not have a grandparent as a constant in their own lives growing up whether their grandparents were deceased or lived far away. I always lived close to my grandparents and though my paternal grandparents were dead by the time I was born in 1960, my maternal grandparents were a part of my life for 30 years. I believe I am the person I am today as a result of that nurturing.

Anyway, the latest books I have read are as followed;

1. The Water Horse by Dick King-Smith
2. The Very First Dammed Thing by Jodi Taylor
3. A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens
4. The Journey by Isobelle Carmody 
5. The Time Being by Melody Grove
6. Agatha Christy   "An Autobiography
7. War Brides by Helen Bryan
8. Game of Crowns by Christopher Anderson

Happy 9th Birthdy Ava. I love you.

Mindless

Where has my head been these past few years? I found out today that a person who I knew for many years died back in 2009. What the hell! Have I been so disconnected with the world and life that all these years have gone by without me knowing this person died? She was only 49yrs old. I knew her husband had been sick for many years and even had a liver transplant. I just found out he died a year after his wife. Again, What the fuck? I do not know what her cause of death though at such a young age it could be anything.

What Is Going On

I just finished reading "The Last Lecture" by Randy Paush and though the book was upbeat and positive I could not help but hear an under tone of narcissism in regards to this man and the way he spoke. It was a quick read. I read it in two nights. It appears I can go through at least two books a week. It appears the more I read the more I want to read. I did enjoy America's First Daughter. It was well written and very interesting. Though the book was about Martha "Patsy" Jefferson Randolph, the book took in account the history of the era including how women were viewed in general. Reading the "The Last Lecture" was kind of a let down after being so absorbed in America's First Daughter.

Aubree has been really sick the last few days. She was running a high fever then broke out with blisters covering her body including inside her mouth. She has been extremely uncomfortable which resulted into two sleepless nights for her and her parents. In the meantime, I had ordered her a Minnie Mouse Car Seat (She loves Minnie Mouse) and it arrived yesterday. I hope it will bring a smile to her face. The doctor told Josh & Lynee that Aubree had a virus and the virus had to run its course. The pharmacy did make up a special mouth wash that numbs the inside of her mouth so she can get some relief. Hopefully, Aubree will be back to her "Happy Self" real soon.

Spoke to Joey today. I usually speak to him two or three times a week. He completed classes to be a "Peer Specialist" and he is working fulltime running groups and counseling. It is nice talking to your son about work as we can relate to the work we both do. Josh completed classes last Fall at Villanova and he is currently a Recovery Specialist. He will be sitting for his state boards sometime this summer. Shaun is a L&I Inspector for the City of Philadelphia. It appears the boys are all doing their own thing and making their way in this world. We have a new normal and I believe we are all working to acceptance of this new normal.

Speaking of work, I had a patient from Slovakia who had a translator during his entire inpatient stay. My first reaction and thought was "How am I going to be able to counsel through an interpreter"? It was a little strange in the beginning however as time went by I was really surprised how well we could work together through a translator. We had to bring in a Polish speaking interpreter as it was as close as we could come to the Slavic dialect. By the time, my patient discharged I was able to communicate with him through some of his words. It was an amazing experience for me as I could tell how he was feeling just by his body language and tone of voice even when I could not understand what he was saying in those rare times when the translator was not there. I am really grateful for the experience and he was an amazing kind man. I hope he does well in outpatient.

The weekend forecast is rain. It does not matter. We still are driving to the shore. I have not been down there in three weeks due to personal and work obligations and I need to get some things done down there this weekend. However, I would not mind some sunshine.

Latest Reads

1. America's First Daughter by Laurie Kamoie
2. Rose by Rosina Harrison
3. Professional Integrity by Michael J Sullivan
4. The Courtiers by Lucy Worsley
5. How to be a Tudor by Ruth Goodman
6. The Vatican Princess by CW.Gortner

I Love Her More and More Every Day

Happy First Communion Collin and Sophia

May 7, 2016

 

Cow Girl with her Dad

Ava and Aubree

Last night we watched several videos that included her cousins Shaun, Nikolas and Ava when they were younger. I am really glad we take a lot of videos of the grandkids because she was able to see her cousin Ava who she has never met. Aubree loved watching Ava on those videos where she was playing with her dolls and singing Happy Birthday and pointing to the spot next to her telling me (Mom Mom) to sit and play. Bill asked me several times if the videos of Ava bothered me and if he should stop playing them for Aubree. Once a upon a time, the videos made me cry. Last night, the videos made me smile remembering all those precious times we had with Ava and watching Little Aubree watching in joy and fascination at the other Little Girl who is her older cousin.

April Pictures