Thanksgiving 2013

The holiday season is officially upon us. Oh Joy! Thanksgiving defined by Norman Rockwell is family sitting around a table with a bounty of food being thankful. I am thankful. I made it through another difficult year and I still stand. About a month ago I decided to take myself out of my comfort zone and do something different. I am a loner. I rather stay home with my own company, than socialize. When I feel emotional pain, my need to be alone increases two-fold. My need to be with people begins and ends at the steps of my job. Sitting in my recliner with a glass of wine, the computer, or a book has been my daily goal after work and/or on weekends. If I reflect on how my life was three years ago, I would tell you they were filled with children spending the weekend at my house popping pop corn, watching silly movies, playing games, snuggling, reading, cooking and singing.

How I wish I never took that life for granted. In a flash that life changed. As much as I grieve for that life back, I know in my heart that life is over. I have been moving forward, and at the same time not moving forward. The physical body goes about the day. I want the emotional brain to follow. So I took myself out of my loner comfort zone.

I have been active making plans with family and friends, and most importantly following through on those plans. I spent the weekend up the mountains with my sister, I went out last night to see a 60's band at a bar/grill with Bill's brother and his girlfriend. Today, I am doing the round about family thing. I am driving to Washington Crossing to see my parents with pie in hand. (Dad just had surgery) Afterwards I am driving to NE Philly with another pie in hand to take to my youngest son, before I have dinner at my niece's house with wine in hand and spend the remainder of the holiday with my sister's family.

Yes. I wish I was cooking and my immediate family were coming to my house, sitting around my table with grandchildren laughing and playing. It is not happening. It is really easy to make excuses and stay home in my pajamas snuggled under the blankets, and shut out the world. However, that is too comfortable and too easy. It is also too sad. Fake it until you make it. I will go out and laugh and still feel the underlying sadness of loss. The difference today is I do not have to do it alone. I will surround myself with those who care, not take for granted the simple pleasures and Thank God for Love and Support.

Codependent

I want to talk about three categories of unsafe people - I'm sure there are more than three categories, but these are the ones I have faced the most so that is what I am writing about today.

First - is the walking wounded out there in the world who love their status as a victim. They are unhappy but they are happy in their unhappiness. You can't win for losing with these people.

Second - are the people who play from a different rule book. You know the ones I'm talking about. It never occurs to them to look at their part of the problem. They can rationalize, justify or minimize any hurt they have done to you by finding a way to blame you for their bad behavior. They are the narcissistic self-centered people who don't care if they hurt your feelings or not. Their end result justifies their means regardless of the price to others.

And the third category of unsafe people are the people who are caught up in the throws of their addiction. They will do what ever they need to do to get you to leave them and their addiction alone. We could talk until we are blue in the face and we will not change how they see things or make them understand. Dealing with them takes powerlessness to a whole new level.

There are times that even though we are right, even though the situation is unfair, we are not going to win the battle. Which means walking away with an unsatisfactory result. I don't know about you but this just sticks in my throat sometimes. In order to get beyond the choke hold this has on me, I have to hold it up to this program, the Serenity Prayer and more often than not talk it through. In the end I have choices to make.

1 - I can continue to try to make them understand, but the only thing I will accomplish is to frustrate myself even more. Which means that I keep walking on the insanity treadmill.

 2 - I can stew over the unfairness of it and stay bitter and harbor resentments. I'm miserable but the unsafe people in my life are not miserable at all. For them life goes on as usual.

 3- I can admit and accept that in this situation that I am powerless. In order for me to really do this, I have to dissect the situation and understand how I got caught up in it in the first place. It is important to learn what I need to do to ensure that I do not put myself in this situation again. You might say being fore warned is being fore armed.

The choice really is ours to make. So I ask you, why throw ourselves under the bus because we demand to be right about something that we cannot control or change?

Even though initially it galled me to admit my powerlessness I have learned that it is better to cut my losses and move on. I have also learn that these people are unsafe for me and in the future I try to keep my exposure to them to a minimum.   Before I react to things that are out of my control I must determine if it was important enough to sacrifice my peace of mind over. We can win the battle and lose the war - or we can ask ourselves how important is it?

Let Go Hold On

I am up in my head. Restless. Anxious. Angry. Fearful. I took off from work yesterday to see my granddaughter. That plan fell through. I wanted to speak with my granddaughter on the phone. That plan did not pan out either. I was left holding my emotions in my hands thinking I do not know what to do with them. Most of the time, the original plan with my granddaughter falls through no matter how far in advance the plan is made. I am not even sure whom I am mad at. Am I mad at myself for having expectations? Am I mad at the mother for not being dependable? Am I mad at my son for placing us all in this situation? I do not know anymore. The game is warring on me. I just want some normalcy in my relationship. As time ticks on by, I wonder if there will ever be any normalcy.

I always expected that my relationship with my grandchildren would be the same as the relationship I had with my own grandparents. I could not be more wrong. As the holidays fast approach and none of my children are interested in getting together for the Thanksgiving holiday, the thought of any normalcy quickly slides away. I have invites to spend the holiday with my sister and her family as well as an invite from my dear friend, Regina. I can work. I can stay home with my husband. I wish I could forget what life used to be like when I had everyone at my house for the holidays. Those days are gone and new memories need to be made. I have grown sons with significant others and those significant others want to be with their own families. It makes me wish I had a daughter. And then there is that granddaughter whom I so much want a relationship and the relationship is so restricted that it is impossible to make any memories. As I stated earlier, I am left holding these emotions and I am unsure what to do with them.

Let Go? Hold On?

Anger and Fear

"Under all anger is fear, and under all fear is fear of loss."

~ Unknown

A Week in Pictures

What I wore. Where I have been. What I saw. Who I was with. What I used.

 

I read a post yesterday about a person who felt as if their life was placed on hold for everyone else and wondered if others felt the same way. I thought about it. Then, I came to the conclusion that despite adversity or pain, I did not place my life on hold for anyone else. Granted. I felt survivor guilt. I have grieved for a lost life. I aged from the stress. However, I have kept it moving.

Happy Anniversary

Second Times a Charm!

Jim Thorpe aka Mauch Chunk

Tucked away and protected by the dramatic folds of several steep mountains, the town of Jim Thorpe sits quietly on the banks of the Lehigh River and looks much as it did 150 years ago, when carriages clattered down its streets, train cars chugged along its steel rails, and barges floated down its river. Coal was King back then, and it was one of most prosperous mining transportation towns in the country.

Originally named Mauch Chunk (an Indian name for ‘sleeping bear’), the town was the site of America’s 2nd railroad, the Switchback Gravity Railroad, which was built in 1827 to transport coal from the mines. Years later, the railroad drew thousands of tourists who loved riding the railcars up and down the area’s steep hills. In the 19th-century, Mauch Chunk was second only to Niagara Falls as a tourist destination.

The town’s fortunes dwindled with the advent of oil consumption and the Depression. Town leaders changed the name of the town to Jim Thorpe in 1954, in the hope of reviving the tourist trade, and interred the body of the Greatest Athlete in the World on the east side of town, where his mausoleum stands today.

Today the coal barons and miners are long gone, but Jim Thorpe’s charming Victorian architecture and its quaint streets remain, echoing the spirit of a town that was once, and still is, thriving and lively.

Codependent Life

 

When making amends, I had to put myself at the top of the list. Somewhere along my life’s journey, I sacrificed myself in a desperate attempt to be liked and accepted and to control the uncontrollable in my life. What is crazy, is that sometimes I did this for people I didn’t even like.

Living the life of a chameleon trying to blend in and be accepted came at a big price. Many times I sacrificed my own needs for someone else’s wants trying to win their approval and acceptance. I went to places I didn’t want to go, did things I didn’t want to do, 

Looking back I am amazed how far down I was in the rabbit hole. I did not know how to get out but the sad thing is that I was afraid to get out. It was the only life I knew. One of the greatest gifts of this program was learning to be a friend to myself. As my self-esteem grew so did my courage to change the things that I could change. Over time I’ve leaned that I’m never going to get it right all the time and I’ve learned to forgive myself when I don’t.

 

 

 

  

Uncle Jack with Mom

Daily Living

It is funny the things you think of as you get ready for work in the morning. For some reason, I noticed a daily routine I have each morning and the products I use in that routine. I had mentioned before that I get up early every morning whether it is a work day or a day off. I like to drink my coffee and watch the sun rise. It grounds me. Some people pray. Some people jog. I watch the sun rise. It is especially grand when the temperatures are chilly and I can cuddle under a down comforter. From my Redken Silky Smooth to L'Oreal Age Perfect to Bare Minerals to Tresemme to Philosophy Perfume with its light fragrance, I am a creature of habit.

I do not wear a lot of makeup and I never wear foundation. It all feels too heavy. I like mascara, a hint of blush, mineral veil and lipstick. If I take more than five minutes applying makeup, it is too long. I never wore a lot of makeup and as I get older, less is more. I really believe women should use less not more of makeup as they age or it looks fake and caked. Bare Minerals is a great makeup line. Perfume. Have you ever been in an elevator with someone who has practically bathe in strong perfume? Again, I believe light is best and Philosophy does it for me. Once upon a time, I washed and blew dried my hair every morning. I do not wash and blow it dry every morning now. As I have gotten older, my hair is drier so I wash it a few times a week and sometimes I allow it to air dry before I style it, If I have to spend more than ten minutes on my hair, it is not happening. Redken Silky Smooth is great for dry hair and protects it when styling.

Anyone who knows me, knows I like shoes. Yes. I have several pairs of shoes, whether they are boots, flats, heels, wedges, sneakers, flip flops or sandals in mostly black, brown, gray, navy and a few in other colors. I do not know why I like shoes so much. Maybe, it is because I worked 20 years as a Lab Supervisor and was limited to sneakers and scrubs as professional wear. Since I changed careers, I packed away the scrubs and sneakers and graduated to the suits and shoes of various varieties. I like jackets too and I have fun mixing and matching separates. Red is my color this year. I never buy a jacket or a pair of shoes unless they are on sale and I have a discount. I do invest in good tights/hose/bras. Investing in these underclothes provide comfort, support and last a really long time. If I invest in a decent pair of tights, I can expect them to last a few years or more. Yes. Really.

As a kid, I never liked nor cared to make my bed in the morning. I always thought it was a waste of time. I mean, I am just going to crawl back in it at night. Right? I make my bed today. Well, sort of. Not everyday. Maybe, I make the bed once or twice a week.

I eat Greek yogurt sprinkled with Grape Nut Cereal every blessed day followed by a banana, melons or apples and peanut butter. Creature of habit. Total creature of habit. Most days, I eat a salad with lots of tomatoes for lunch. I may add tuna or chicken but it is mostly greens. My down fall is dinner and sweets. My husband makes dinner and he is a great cook. Then, there are the sweets. Did I ever tell you Whole Foods make the best pies? I am a sucker for cherry or apple pies.

Monday nights are fun for Bill & I. We eat dinner in front of the television and watch recorded DVR shows from the week before. We like Sleepy Hollow, Sons of Anarchy, Good Wife, Homeland, and Black List. Bill likes to watch some other shows that I would not watch such as Walking Dead and How I met your Mother.

I am not really sure why I decided to write this sort of post tonight. Maybe, it is just my living history and maybe someday when my relative researches they will come across this site and discover "me".  

Those Born 1930-1979! ...

 TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-Aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day, And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers!, no Internet or chat rooms....... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and
knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them - CONGRATULATIONS!

Woman Know Thyself

When you begin the spiritual journey and you start to step into your truth, people around you may not like that! Many do not want to know their truth...they are more comfortable in the world of illusions and unconsciousness, and when you begin to change, it may create fear within their being. They will do their best to keep you at their level of vibration. This is a test...a spiritual initiation you must move through!

In order to move through this test with ease and grace it is best to not get sucked into their duality. There is no need to explain yourself or your new awareness, because oftentimes, they will not have "ears to hear or eyes to see." Sometimes it is best to stay silent and smile.

Never let their unconsciousness become yours...do not accept their projections, beliefs, opinions and criticisms of who they "think" you are into your reality! There is no way someone who does not know who "they" are could possibly know who "you" are.

Stay aligned with your heart and become the example for them to follow...move yourself away from the duality of conflict. KNOW who you are, and BE IT! You will radiate happiness, joy and inner peace to everyone you come in contact with, and this way of being is infectious and transformational!

Irish Slaves

An Irish family pictured in Barbados

Photo by barbadostripadvisor

 

   

  

 The history of the African slave trade into the America’s is one that is well-documented as well as largely taught in American schools today.However, as John Martin of the Montreal-based Center for Research and  Globalization points out in his article ‘The Irish Slave Trade - The Forgotten ‘White’ Slaves,’ it was not just Africans who were traded as slaves.Indeed, the Irish have a gruesome history as being traded as slaves as well and subjected to similar and sometimes worse treatment than their African contemporaries of the time.Strangely though, the history of Irish and ‘white’ slavery is by and large ignored in the American educational curriculum today.In his article, John Martin writes “The Irish slave trade began when James II sold 30,000 Irish prisoners as slaves to the New World. His Proclamation of 1625 required Irish political prisoners be sent overseas and sold to English settlers in the West Indies. By the mid 1600s, the Irish were the main slaves sold to Antigua and Montserrat. At that time, 70 percent of the total population of Montserrat were Irish slaves.”“Ireland quickly became the biggest source of human livestock for English merchants. The majority of the early slaves to the New World were actually white.”Martin writes how at the hands of the British, the Irish population plummeted due to the slave trade of the 17th century.“During the 1650s, over 100,000 Irish children between the ages of 10 and 14 were taken from their parents and sold as slaves in the West Indies, Virginia and New England. In this decade, 52,000 Irish (mostly women and children) were sold to Barbados and Virginia. Another 30,000 Irish men and women were also transported and sold to the highest bidder. In 1656, [Oliver] Cromwell ordered that 2000 Irish children be taken to Jamaica and sold as slaves to English settlers.”Martin goes on to explain that for some reason, the Irish slaves are often remembered as ‘indentured servants.’ However, in most cases during the 17th and 18th centuries, they were no more than “human cattle.”“...the African slave trade was just beginning during this same period,” writes Martin. “It is well recorded that African slaves, not tainted with the stain of the hated Catholic theology and more expensive to purchase, were often treated far better than their Irish counterparts.”During the late 1600s, writes Martin, African slaves were far more expensive than their Irish counterparts - Africans would sell for around 50 sterling while Irish were often no more than 5 sterling.Further, the treatment of Irish slaves was thought to be more cruel than that of African slaves. If an Irish slave was beaten by their owner, it wasn’t considered to be a crime.The Irish were further exploited when the British began to “breed” Irish women - or girls, sometimes as young as 12 - with African males. (Irish Central)

New and Old

It has been an interesting week. Bill & I went to see the Pompeii exhibit at the Franklin Institute today.

 

It is one place I did not see on my trip to Italy.

Then we messed around with pictures before we went into the museum.

 

Decided to have a mid-day meal at the City Tavern where I dined on the Franklin Chicken and Bill ate the Weiner Schnitzel.

 

 

I had a few trainings on Monday which were mandatory for my profession. Handle with Care is a series of self-defense techniques used when working with a difficult population. Personally, my self-defense technique is picking up a phone and calling a code. The second training was my re-certification in CPR. Again, I will call a code. Yes. I have used Handle with Care and CPR with good and not so good results. I will call for a code. End of Story!

 

We went for a second opinion and it resulted in one person being fired and another hired. The decision was my son's. I will add at this point that I am proud of him for making the decision to fight and not give up. His life is worth it.

 

I wanted to take someone to see "The Nutcracker" at the Academy of Music. Of course, it is not permitted. At this moment, I have had enough. I am a good decent hard-working loving caring person. There is a saying, "People treat you as you allow them to".

 

My mother gave me this picture.

 

 

I love it!

One of the ways I start my day is by watching the dawn arise. Here are some of this week's sun rises.

We had a snow shower on this morning.

Same location. Same time. Different sky.

Shoes of the week.

 

 

Was sent some old pictures when I was a teenager. Got to love It.

 1977

1976 (The girl in the middle is Josie who is my oldest son's godmother)

1976

1976 (The guy in the blue shirt is my older brother, Michael. We had the same friends since we were close in age.)