Thursday, April 17, 2014
Christ Church Cathedral
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Ireland Trip Day One
We had an adventure yesterday. The plan was to fly up to Boston and take a connecting flight to Dublin. Well. We made it to Boston. Eventually. The one hour flight out of Philadelphia ended by being delayed five times. When we finally flew out of Philadelphia at 8p, we could only hope the 9p connecting flight to Dublin was also delayed. We missed the Dublin flight by 30 minutes which prompted a rebooking on the next available flight which is tonight at 6p.
After we flew into Boston, the airline "Jet Blue" could not find our bags. Hmmm. Maybe they could not find the bags because they were suppose to be transferred to the "Aer Lingus" flight to Dublin. After some searching, the bags were located out on a transport to "nowhere" because that Dublin flight left without us and the bags. We finally retrieved them, found an information desk who found us a hotel to place our very weary bones for the night. Our day started at 1p and ended at 11p. Ten hours for a one hour flight. Go Figure.
Over rainy weather.
That impacted the entire Northeastern coast.
If we were thirty minutes earlier in our arrival in Boston, we would be in Dublin right now.
We were not alone in the "missed connecting flight and lost baggage department". Folks missed their connecting flights to Berlin, Amsterdam and Finland. The hotels at the airport filled up quickly and some had to resort to sleeping in the airport itself. We got one of two rooms left. It helps to be proactive as that was the first thing I did when I found out we missed the connecting flight. We stayed at the Residence Inn Marriott and the room is large, clean and comfortable. If we do get stuck with the bill, it is a fair price of 149 dollars per night that includes shuttle to and from the terminal. I think 149 dollars is very cheap for a four star hotel.
My grandson told me, "just roll with it". They were the most intelligent words I heard all day. He is also very observant as he watched folks board the flight before our flight and recognized you could use your cell phone to download your boarding pass and have the boarding pass scanned from the phone. Cool.
Next time I travel any length of time abroad, I am going to do my very best in packing a carry on bag as oppose to checking a bag in because had we not checked in our bags, we would have been freer to hop on another flight easily. Lesson Learned.
In a nut shell, we lost an entire day in Ireland. We will cut out a day in Dublin therefore reservations/plans for Donegal and County Mayo will remain the same.
Hope all those other folks who missed connecting flights were able to revise their travel plans. I know we were up at 530a calling the hotel in Dublin and making new arrangements for our rental car.
Everything is a day late. We lost some money. The airlines are telling us the other airline needs to compensate us. This ought to be interesting as "Jet Blue" is blaming "Aer Lingus" and "Aer Lingus is blaming Jet Blue".
Actually, the weather is to blame and we cannot fight Mother Nature.
After we flew into Boston, the airline "Jet Blue" could not find our bags. Hmmm. Maybe they could not find the bags because they were suppose to be transferred to the "Aer Lingus" flight to Dublin. After some searching, the bags were located out on a transport to "nowhere" because that Dublin flight left without us and the bags. We finally retrieved them, found an information desk who found us a hotel to place our very weary bones for the night. Our day started at 1p and ended at 11p. Ten hours for a one hour flight. Go Figure.
Over rainy weather.
That impacted the entire Northeastern coast.
If we were thirty minutes earlier in our arrival in Boston, we would be in Dublin right now.
We were not alone in the "missed connecting flight and lost baggage department". Folks missed their connecting flights to Berlin, Amsterdam and Finland. The hotels at the airport filled up quickly and some had to resort to sleeping in the airport itself. We got one of two rooms left. It helps to be proactive as that was the first thing I did when I found out we missed the connecting flight. We stayed at the Residence Inn Marriott and the room is large, clean and comfortable. If we do get stuck with the bill, it is a fair price of 149 dollars per night that includes shuttle to and from the terminal. I think 149 dollars is very cheap for a four star hotel.
My grandson told me, "just roll with it". They were the most intelligent words I heard all day. He is also very observant as he watched folks board the flight before our flight and recognized you could use your cell phone to download your boarding pass and have the boarding pass scanned from the phone. Cool.
Next time I travel any length of time abroad, I am going to do my very best in packing a carry on bag as oppose to checking a bag in because had we not checked in our bags, we would have been freer to hop on another flight easily. Lesson Learned.
In a nut shell, we lost an entire day in Ireland. We will cut out a day in Dublin therefore reservations/plans for Donegal and County Mayo will remain the same.
Hope all those other folks who missed connecting flights were able to revise their travel plans. I know we were up at 530a calling the hotel in Dublin and making new arrangements for our rental car.
Everything is a day late. We lost some money. The airlines are telling us the other airline needs to compensate us. This ought to be interesting as "Jet Blue" is blaming "Aer Lingus" and "Aer Lingus is blaming Jet Blue".
Actually, the weather is to blame and we cannot fight Mother Nature.
The Call
Sometimes in this life we hear
Calling from somewhere
Sometimes it is loud and clear
Sometimes it's so softly there
Sometimes it is in the sea
Sometimes in the sky
Sometimes it's in you and me
Sometimes it's a cry
Open your heart
I am calling you
Right from the very start
Your wounded heart was calling, too
Open your arms
You will find the answer
When you answer to the Call
Sometimes it is in desire
Or in the love we fear
When the call is calling us
'Till the fear will disappear
When we have no dance to dance
The call is in the song
When we have no voice to sing
Then the call is calling strong
Open your heart
I am calling you
Right from the very start
Your wounded heart was calling, too
Open your arms
You will find the answer
When you answer to the Call
Calling from somewhere
Sometimes it is loud and clear
Sometimes it's so softly there
Sometimes it is in the sea
Sometimes in the sky
Sometimes it's in you and me
Sometimes it's a cry
Open your heart
I am calling you
Right from the very start
Your wounded heart was calling, too
Open your arms
You will find the answer
When you answer to the Call
Sometimes it is in desire
Or in the love we fear
When the call is calling us
'Till the fear will disappear
When we have no dance to dance
The call is in the song
When we have no voice to sing
Then the call is calling strong
Open your heart
I am calling you
Right from the very start
Your wounded heart was calling, too
Open your arms
You will find the answer
When you answer to the Call
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is an act, not a feeling. Though it may generate feelings, forgiveness is an exercise of the will. When we forgive, we refuse to be further damaged by the wrongdoing of others. A refusal to forgive is called a resentment. And the victim of resentment is always the one who carries it. The people we refuse to forgive may neither know nor care about our resentment. To hang on to a resentment is to harbor a thief in the heart. By the minute and the hour, resentment steals the joy we could treasure now and remember forever. It pilfers our energy to celebrate life to face others, as messengers of grace rather than ambassadors of doom. We victimize ourselves when we withhold forgiveness.
They may not deserve forgiveness, but I do.
Anne P.
They may not deserve forgiveness, but I do.
Anne P.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Awakening
Now when the world is shadowed and dark
Now when the sky is empty of stars
Now when the world is wrapped in sleep
In a quiet endless and deep
In the silence of the night
Far off in the distance
A fire comes to life
A flicker of a flame breaks through the dark
Burning soft and bright
Dancing with the light
Awakening the Heavens and the Earth
Far across the ocean
A flame is rising high
Breaking through the shadows and the dark
Shining in the night
Rising with the light
Here to wake the Heavens and the Earth
Now as the light starts to rise
Now as the day opens wide
Now as the dreams slips away
You wake to the day
You wake to the light
Here as your dream falls away
Feel as the dark turns to day
Leave the shadows behind
And the dream called in blind
Turn into the light
Far off in the distance
A fire comes to life
A flicker of a flame breaks through the dark
Burning soft and bright
Dancing with the light
Awakening the Heavens and the Earth
Far across the ocean
A flame is rising high
Breaking through the shadows and the dark
Shining in the night
Rising with the light
Here to wake the Heavens and the Earth
Now when the sky is empty of stars
Now when the world is wrapped in sleep
In a quiet endless and deep
In the silence of the night
Far off in the distance
A fire comes to life
A flicker of a flame breaks through the dark
Burning soft and bright
Dancing with the light
Awakening the Heavens and the Earth
Far across the ocean
A flame is rising high
Breaking through the shadows and the dark
Shining in the night
Rising with the light
Here to wake the Heavens and the Earth
Now as the light starts to rise
Now as the day opens wide
Now as the dreams slips away
You wake to the day
You wake to the light
Here as your dream falls away
Feel as the dark turns to day
Leave the shadows behind
And the dream called in blind
Turn into the light
Far off in the distance
A fire comes to life
A flicker of a flame breaks through the dark
Burning soft and bright
Dancing with the light
Awakening the Heavens and the Earth
Far across the ocean
A flame is rising high
Breaking through the shadows and the dark
Shining in the night
Rising with the light
Here to wake the Heavens and the Earth
Sunday, April 13, 2014
What Legacy Do You Want to Leave
Begin by asking what kind of person, spouse, and parent you most want to be. No matter how you answer, the path to becoming that person, spouse, and parent will likely include the following:
•Focus on how you want to feel
•Control the meaning of your life
•Stand for your deeper, most humane values
•Make the world a better place
•Practice transcendence
•Create light.
Focus on how you want to feel
Self-obsession is focus on how we feel; self-improvement comes from focus on how we want to feel.
Focus on how we feel brings into implicit memory past instances that evoked similar feelings. This creates an illusion that it’s always been that way and, by implication, always will be that way. If the feelings are painful, the brain must interpret, explain, and justify them. For example, “I feel resentful. I have a right to feel resentment, because of this, this, this, and this, not to mention that, that, that, and that. I put up with a lot over the years. This is exactly like what I had to put up with in the past, or not exactly, but close enough.”
This whole process serves to habituate the feelings, i.e., make them habits that will recur under stress. In adults, the vast majority of emotional reactions are habituated. Feelings are always about the past, and they will, over the long run, keep you repeating past mistakes.
A better strategy is to focus on how you want to feel, which will be more future-oriented and less susceptible to the feed-back loop of past mistakes. For example, “I feel resentful, but I want to feel kind.” I think of times in the past when I have felt kind, and recognize that I really like myself better at those times. I imagine myself doing things that will bring those feelings to life, such as wishing others happiness and wellbeing. I practice allowing myself to be concerned with the wellbeing of my significant others. I practice behaviors that embody my concern for them.
Of course, for the process to work, I really have to want to be kind, rather than resentful, i.e., I have to want to feel more valuable, rather than temporarily more powerful from the tiny dose of adrenalin that comes with resentment.
Control the meaning of your life
Think of the things that have the profoundest influence on our lives and how little control we have over them. We didn’t choose our parents; we didn’t sit down with God and say, “I’ll take those two over there!” We didn’t choose what illnesses our mothers suffered during pregnancy or whether they smoked or took aspirin. Who decided how much money their families would have, what early childhood illnesses or accidents they would experience, which schools they would go to, what kind of teachers and peers they would find there? Who chose whether other children would like or bully them, respect or humiliate them? We simply have no control over of the major influences on our lives.
Yet we have absolute control over what everything in our lives means to us. If we define the meaning of our lives by bad things that happened to us, we create chronic states of powerlessness and resentment, with intermittent depression. If we control the meaning of our lives by systematically increasing the value of our experience, we create a life of meaning, purpose, and personal power.
The first law of personal power is focus. When we focus on what we cannot control, like the behavior of other people, we feel powerless and suffer the most impotent kind of resentment and anger. When we focus on what we can control – the meaning of our experience – we feel empowered. To feel powerful and valuable, make the most benign interpretation of your experience that is realistically possible. This will lead to a certain amount of disappointment, but an overall gigantic boost to long-term wellbeing and the prevention of regret.
Stand for deeper, more humane values
Standing for our deeper humane values, e.g., compassion and kindness, moves us to appreciate or tolerate those who differ from us.
Ignoring or violating deeper values makes us vulnerable to guilt, shame, and anxiety. We have more self-doubt and, to some extent, seem phony, which increases the likelihood of feeling devalued by others. We become hypersensitive to unfair treatment we receive but largely insensitive to unfair treatment we impart. We perceive more threat and require more anger as defense.
Worst of all, consistently ignoring and violating humane values can turn us into psychopaths, individually and as a culture, as history shows in 20th Century Nazis and 19th Century slave owners.
Standing for your deeper, most humane values is almost assured to prevent the more harmful types of regret.
Make the world a better place
Our brains are simply not wired for self-obsession. The more we think about ourselves, the less in touch with reality we become. In contrast, self-awareness necessarily includes awareness of the world in which the self resides. In other words, you can make yourself enduringly happy (beyond temporary feelings states) only by striving, in some small way, to make world you live in a better place.
The Golden Promise: If you focus continually on making the world a better place in some small way, you and those you love will be happier, your life will have more meaning and purpose, and you’ll create a legacy that will give you peace in your later years.
Practice transcendence
To transcend is to go beyond limits, to become greater. The transcendent life is focused on growing into the most empowered and humane persons we can be. This, I believe, is the evolved function of pain - not to suffer or to identify with suffering or with victimhood - but to grow beyond it. The natural motivation of pain is to motivate behavior that will heal, improve, and repair.
Much of the suffering in the world occurs when we violate what is most important to us by acting on what is less important. If you think of the big mistakes you’ve made in life, nearly every one involves violating a deeper value by acting on something that was not as important to you. In fact, we consistently violate more important values by acting on less important feelings and impulses. We’re susceptible to this recurring error for two reasons.
Deeper values do not run on automatic pilot like habits and impulses. Rapidly processed in the brain, habits and impulses largely bypass the prefrontal cortex (where we make decisions based on values). If we consistently act on superficial feelings, which are largely habits, we’ll consistently violate our deeper values.
Deeper values are less in consciousness than ego-defense, impression management, and preferences and tastes. Yet fidelity to deeper values provides a sense of authenticity, which makes ego-defense and impression-management unnecessary. In general, if I feel defensive or that it’s important that I make you think a certain way about me, I need to get in touch with my deeper values (e.g., compassion, kindness, respect) to experience genuine self-value.
To compensate for the bias of consciousness, we need a daily reminder of what is most important to us. This will lead to a transcendent life and almost assuredly prevent regret.
Create light
Humans have evolved a myriad of ways to experience and express spirituality. From a psychological standpoint, it doesn’t matter which way you choose, whether it be some notion of God or higher power or the cosmos or the sea of humanity or harmony with nature. We function at our best with some notion of connection to something larger that overrides immediate selfish concerns.
What all forms of spirituality have in common is a striving to create light. Of course, light also makes shadows, which deters many people from the spiritual sense that would enrich their lives. The answer to the dilemma is not to dwell in the shadows but to create more light. The ultimate in spiritual experience comes from as bright a light as we can muster from a multitude of sources. The more light we create, the less likely we are to suffer regret.
•Focus on how you want to feel
•Control the meaning of your life
•Stand for your deeper, most humane values
•Make the world a better place
•Practice transcendence
•Create light.
Focus on how you want to feel
Self-obsession is focus on how we feel; self-improvement comes from focus on how we want to feel.
Focus on how we feel brings into implicit memory past instances that evoked similar feelings. This creates an illusion that it’s always been that way and, by implication, always will be that way. If the feelings are painful, the brain must interpret, explain, and justify them. For example, “I feel resentful. I have a right to feel resentment, because of this, this, this, and this, not to mention that, that, that, and that. I put up with a lot over the years. This is exactly like what I had to put up with in the past, or not exactly, but close enough.”
This whole process serves to habituate the feelings, i.e., make them habits that will recur under stress. In adults, the vast majority of emotional reactions are habituated. Feelings are always about the past, and they will, over the long run, keep you repeating past mistakes.
A better strategy is to focus on how you want to feel, which will be more future-oriented and less susceptible to the feed-back loop of past mistakes. For example, “I feel resentful, but I want to feel kind.” I think of times in the past when I have felt kind, and recognize that I really like myself better at those times. I imagine myself doing things that will bring those feelings to life, such as wishing others happiness and wellbeing. I practice allowing myself to be concerned with the wellbeing of my significant others. I practice behaviors that embody my concern for them.
Of course, for the process to work, I really have to want to be kind, rather than resentful, i.e., I have to want to feel more valuable, rather than temporarily more powerful from the tiny dose of adrenalin that comes with resentment.
Control the meaning of your life
Think of the things that have the profoundest influence on our lives and how little control we have over them. We didn’t choose our parents; we didn’t sit down with God and say, “I’ll take those two over there!” We didn’t choose what illnesses our mothers suffered during pregnancy or whether they smoked or took aspirin. Who decided how much money their families would have, what early childhood illnesses or accidents they would experience, which schools they would go to, what kind of teachers and peers they would find there? Who chose whether other children would like or bully them, respect or humiliate them? We simply have no control over of the major influences on our lives.
Yet we have absolute control over what everything in our lives means to us. If we define the meaning of our lives by bad things that happened to us, we create chronic states of powerlessness and resentment, with intermittent depression. If we control the meaning of our lives by systematically increasing the value of our experience, we create a life of meaning, purpose, and personal power.
The first law of personal power is focus. When we focus on what we cannot control, like the behavior of other people, we feel powerless and suffer the most impotent kind of resentment and anger. When we focus on what we can control – the meaning of our experience – we feel empowered. To feel powerful and valuable, make the most benign interpretation of your experience that is realistically possible. This will lead to a certain amount of disappointment, but an overall gigantic boost to long-term wellbeing and the prevention of regret.
Stand for deeper, more humane values
Standing for our deeper humane values, e.g., compassion and kindness, moves us to appreciate or tolerate those who differ from us.
Ignoring or violating deeper values makes us vulnerable to guilt, shame, and anxiety. We have more self-doubt and, to some extent, seem phony, which increases the likelihood of feeling devalued by others. We become hypersensitive to unfair treatment we receive but largely insensitive to unfair treatment we impart. We perceive more threat and require more anger as defense.
Worst of all, consistently ignoring and violating humane values can turn us into psychopaths, individually and as a culture, as history shows in 20th Century Nazis and 19th Century slave owners.
Standing for your deeper, most humane values is almost assured to prevent the more harmful types of regret.
Make the world a better place
Our brains are simply not wired for self-obsession. The more we think about ourselves, the less in touch with reality we become. In contrast, self-awareness necessarily includes awareness of the world in which the self resides. In other words, you can make yourself enduringly happy (beyond temporary feelings states) only by striving, in some small way, to make world you live in a better place.
The Golden Promise: If you focus continually on making the world a better place in some small way, you and those you love will be happier, your life will have more meaning and purpose, and you’ll create a legacy that will give you peace in your later years.
Practice transcendence
To transcend is to go beyond limits, to become greater. The transcendent life is focused on growing into the most empowered and humane persons we can be. This, I believe, is the evolved function of pain - not to suffer or to identify with suffering or with victimhood - but to grow beyond it. The natural motivation of pain is to motivate behavior that will heal, improve, and repair.
Much of the suffering in the world occurs when we violate what is most important to us by acting on what is less important. If you think of the big mistakes you’ve made in life, nearly every one involves violating a deeper value by acting on something that was not as important to you. In fact, we consistently violate more important values by acting on less important feelings and impulses. We’re susceptible to this recurring error for two reasons.
Deeper values do not run on automatic pilot like habits and impulses. Rapidly processed in the brain, habits and impulses largely bypass the prefrontal cortex (where we make decisions based on values). If we consistently act on superficial feelings, which are largely habits, we’ll consistently violate our deeper values.
Deeper values are less in consciousness than ego-defense, impression management, and preferences and tastes. Yet fidelity to deeper values provides a sense of authenticity, which makes ego-defense and impression-management unnecessary. In general, if I feel defensive or that it’s important that I make you think a certain way about me, I need to get in touch with my deeper values (e.g., compassion, kindness, respect) to experience genuine self-value.
To compensate for the bias of consciousness, we need a daily reminder of what is most important to us. This will lead to a transcendent life and almost assuredly prevent regret.
Create light
Humans have evolved a myriad of ways to experience and express spirituality. From a psychological standpoint, it doesn’t matter which way you choose, whether it be some notion of God or higher power or the cosmos or the sea of humanity or harmony with nature. We function at our best with some notion of connection to something larger that overrides immediate selfish concerns.
What all forms of spirituality have in common is a striving to create light. Of course, light also makes shadows, which deters many people from the spiritual sense that would enrich their lives. The answer to the dilemma is not to dwell in the shadows but to create more light. The ultimate in spiritual experience comes from as bright a light as we can muster from a multitude of sources. The more light we create, the less likely we are to suffer regret.
Ireland
It has been a busy weekend getting ready for our trip. We stopped at Macy's and Kohl's for a few articles of clothing we may need, a stop at Best Buys so Bill could update his cell phone, CVS for toiletries, Boscov's for travel pillows times three, and a nice lunch outdoors on Saturday followed by a nice outdoor brunch on Sunday. We are packed. We are nearly ready and despite all the grief over the last few days, I am excited.
I am looking forward to going to St. Patrick's Cathedral and Trinity Church in Dublin. Of course we will be in the historic Templar Bar area were is it known for its pubs and shops. Trinity Church has underground crypts that go back to the middle ages. I am sure when I come home I will be writing about all the history.
Good Friday we will drive Northwest to Donegal and stay at the castle. Bill wants to drive further North then travel South along the coast where there are magnificent cliffs that meet the ocean. We will visit the town of Adara where the Gallaghers are from and Lough where the McCaffertys (McCafferys) are from.
County Mayo will be the area we explore starting on Easter Sunday with Killala and Ballina towns at the forefront. This is where the Bolands, Caffertys and Dohertys are from. Lots of open farmland complete with thatch houses (we will stay in one) and more cliffs that meet the ocean. If we have time, we will travel further South into Galway.
The final leg of our trip will take us back to Dublin before we fly to Boston then to Philadelphia,
We do not do group tours. We are renting a car so we can travel at our pace and mix in with the locals. I am more interested in meeting family, experiencing culture, and gaining an understanding of the Irish life. I do not need to visit places that make crystal or kiss stones:)
I am looking forward to going to St. Patrick's Cathedral and Trinity Church in Dublin. Of course we will be in the historic Templar Bar area were is it known for its pubs and shops. Trinity Church has underground crypts that go back to the middle ages. I am sure when I come home I will be writing about all the history.
Good Friday we will drive Northwest to Donegal and stay at the castle. Bill wants to drive further North then travel South along the coast where there are magnificent cliffs that meet the ocean. We will visit the town of Adara where the Gallaghers are from and Lough where the McCaffertys (McCafferys) are from.
County Mayo will be the area we explore starting on Easter Sunday with Killala and Ballina towns at the forefront. This is where the Bolands, Caffertys and Dohertys are from. Lots of open farmland complete with thatch houses (we will stay in one) and more cliffs that meet the ocean. If we have time, we will travel further South into Galway.
The final leg of our trip will take us back to Dublin before we fly to Boston then to Philadelphia,
We do not do group tours. We are renting a car so we can travel at our pace and mix in with the locals. I am more interested in meeting family, experiencing culture, and gaining an understanding of the Irish life. I do not need to visit places that make crystal or kiss stones:)
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Closing the Book
Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/w/walterande183075.html#tgQPcRxRcxuUkcWL.99
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/w/walterande183075.html#tgQPcRxRcxuUkcWL.99
Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/w/walterande183075.html#tgQPcRxRcxuUkcWL.99
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/w/walterande183075.html#tgQPcRxRcxuUkcWL.99
Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/w/walterande183075.html#KMRpG213ok13E3ZC.99
Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself.Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/w/walterande183075.html#KMRpG213ok13E3ZC.99
Walter Anderson
Experiencing the recent events of my life has taught me there are three kinds of people in one's life.
- Those who love and support unconditionally and despite everything and anything they are in your corner.
- Those who love and support with conditions. When things get tough, they are the first to exit.
- Those who pretend to love and support unconditionally but when one's back is turned the knife comes out and one is repeatedly stabbed.
I am grateful to the #2 crowd. It is folks like them that I learned what and who they truly are as people, in character or lack there of. I no longer have to waste my time nor feel guilt when I lock the door they exited from.
I am grateful to the #3 crowd. It is folks like them that have taught me a very important lesson in everyday living. Be careful who to trust. Watch out for the mask. Know what is behind the mask. Walk slowly and by all means carry that big stick because you never know when you will have to use it to protect yourself.
In a few days I am going to Ireland with my husband and my eldest grandchild. My parents backed out. Truth be told, my mother backed out and my father will not go without her. I am disappointed. I spent many years researching our family history and several months planning this trip and wanted the opportunity to experience with my mother the places of her roots, to walk the same grounds of our ancestors, to make memories. In my mind, I thought this would be an opportunity to be close something that was not always the case. Our relationship is complicated. After all these years, you would think I would get the point. She does not like me. Our relationship is contentious. She adores my brothers. The oldest brother can do no wrong. The younger one will always have the "baby of the family" status. She has fun with my sister because my sister is fun. My sister also does not take any shit. I am too serious, too sensitive, too educated, too responsible, too introverted.
In any event, I need to move on with or without certain folks in my life. I cannot keep up with the :status quo". I am too tired.
Life is a journey. Must get back on track or find a new road to travel upon. I have been stuck at the red light far too long.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Moving On
Trying to adjust to this new way of living.
Hoping my trip out of the country will help.
Leaving for Ireland soon. Will be out of the country until the end of the month.
Spending Easter in Donegal.
Need to gather my research so I know exactly where to stop. Adara (Gallaghers). Killala (Bolands).
Staying in three specific spots
Hoping my trip out of the country will help.
Leaving for Ireland soon. Will be out of the country until the end of the month.
Spending Easter in Donegal.
Need to gather my research so I know exactly where to stop. Adara (Gallaghers). Killala (Bolands).
Staying in three specific spots
- Dublin (Templar Bar Area)
- Donegal (Castle)
- County Mayo ( Authentic Farmhouse)
Tuesday, April 08, 2014
Count Down to Ireland
Seven Days, we will embark on our Ireland vacation. Dublin, Donegal and County Mayo will be our home bases. We will fly in and out through Dublin.
I read an article last night about the abuse of overtime in the city of Philadelphia. The news listed 12 top abusers of overtime that exceeded 400,000 dollars. Guess who were in those top 12? Keen Harkins and Petermen. Read fir yourself
http://www.philly.com/philly/news/breaking/13_Philly_police_firefighters_earned_more_than_400000_in_OT_since_09.html#CpqS6mx0QKi5sZ0e.01
I was going to post this article on FB. I decided against it. I do not want to be a "hater". I do not want my sorrow to turn to bitterness. I do not want my tears to turn to anger. I need to be ok with myself and revenge against those who have caused so much grief will hurt my sense of self. I have seen what those emotions can do to a person. I do not want to be one of them. Despite it all, I want to take the high road in life.
I want to tell the details of that night but I cannot allow myself to go back to that. I have been frustrated as I know things and those things will probably be buried forever. I expected the entire truth to come out in court. It did not. A decision was made between the judge and attorneys (DA & Defense) that the focus would be on that day and no other days prior or after. It never made sense to me. I have a story to tell. I do not have an audience interested in listening.
Ireland bound in seven days.
I am going to walk the ground my ancestors walked.
I am going to meet some Donegal relatives.
I read an article last night about the abuse of overtime in the city of Philadelphia. The news listed 12 top abusers of overtime that exceeded 400,000 dollars. Guess who were in those top 12? Keen Harkins and Petermen. Read fir yourself
http://www.philly.com/philly/news/breaking/13_Philly_police_firefighters_earned_more_than_400000_in_OT_since_09.html#CpqS6mx0QKi5sZ0e.01
I was going to post this article on FB. I decided against it. I do not want to be a "hater". I do not want my sorrow to turn to bitterness. I do not want my tears to turn to anger. I need to be ok with myself and revenge against those who have caused so much grief will hurt my sense of self. I have seen what those emotions can do to a person. I do not want to be one of them. Despite it all, I want to take the high road in life.
I want to tell the details of that night but I cannot allow myself to go back to that. I have been frustrated as I know things and those things will probably be buried forever. I expected the entire truth to come out in court. It did not. A decision was made between the judge and attorneys (DA & Defense) that the focus would be on that day and no other days prior or after. It never made sense to me. I have a story to tell. I do not have an audience interested in listening.
Ireland bound in seven days.
I am going to walk the ground my ancestors walked.
I am going to meet some Donegal relatives.
Monday, April 07, 2014
Complex
The folks at work have been really great. No one questions and hugs are given without words freely. It is nice to be accepted without question or condition. No judgments. No opinions. No gossip. Just acceptance and kindness. Would it not be a great world if everyone followed their lead?
The internet bashing impacted me negatively last night. It especially hurt because it was from someone whom I had always admired since a small child. I guess when things get tough you recognize the true self of people or lack there of. I forgave this person once. I doubt I will forgive again. Tonight, the bashing still leaves some residue of sad feelings. However, the impact is far less for there is one thing about me which rings true, I have a healthy sense of self.
I sent another letter and package out this afternoon. He sounds positive and focused. He is the type of person to give back which he has been given so freely. I know all the books will find their way to several others as well as the snacks because he has a good heart and shares his blessings. Many folks have burnt bridges and/or have no supports. He is blessed. I get about 60 seconds of phone time and my message is always the same. Be safe. Stay strong and focused. I love you.
I came across an article from a research expert of addiction from the University of Pa. He spoke about his broad knowledge of addiction but when it came to his two sons, he was lost. Both sons struggled with addiction and the younger one overdosed and died. Since his younger son's death five years ago, he has been on this journey which lead to a position within the cabinet of the current president whose main agenda is making sure health insurances provide coverage for mental health and addiction medicine. I found his story interesting and encouraging because like him I am not an addict but have been surrounded by addiction most of my life and though I perceive myself as an excellent counselor, I felt like a failure when addiction hit my own sons. I never imagined addiction hitting my family unit because neither myself or their father were addicts and we raised them to receive good educations, involved them in the boys' club where they excelled in soccer, baseball and basketball. We were attentive loving parents who took them on vacations and had a Monday Night Family Night where we played board games and cards. Their father and I were active ourselves. I played soccer until I was 17 years old and ran track in high school. I loved to ski, roller skate, ice skate and play tennis along with swimming and diving. Their father played baseball and hockey and coached them as kids. We taught our kids all these past times and we had a lot of fun and many laughs.
We also taught them hard work.
I no longer blame myself for the choices an adult makes. I can teach. I can guide. I cannot fit.
I tell myself each and everyday that I will do the best I can with what I know and do it.
I will continue to do the best with what I know. I just have to keep moving forward. These days it is hard to do. One day I hope I can get that spark and determination back. It is gone for now, That frightens me because I have had lows before and at least felt refuge in my work. Today, I do not even feel that. It feels as though a light went off and I do not care if it ever comes back on.
The internet bashing impacted me negatively last night. It especially hurt because it was from someone whom I had always admired since a small child. I guess when things get tough you recognize the true self of people or lack there of. I forgave this person once. I doubt I will forgive again. Tonight, the bashing still leaves some residue of sad feelings. However, the impact is far less for there is one thing about me which rings true, I have a healthy sense of self.
I sent another letter and package out this afternoon. He sounds positive and focused. He is the type of person to give back which he has been given so freely. I know all the books will find their way to several others as well as the snacks because he has a good heart and shares his blessings. Many folks have burnt bridges and/or have no supports. He is blessed. I get about 60 seconds of phone time and my message is always the same. Be safe. Stay strong and focused. I love you.
I came across an article from a research expert of addiction from the University of Pa. He spoke about his broad knowledge of addiction but when it came to his two sons, he was lost. Both sons struggled with addiction and the younger one overdosed and died. Since his younger son's death five years ago, he has been on this journey which lead to a position within the cabinet of the current president whose main agenda is making sure health insurances provide coverage for mental health and addiction medicine. I found his story interesting and encouraging because like him I am not an addict but have been surrounded by addiction most of my life and though I perceive myself as an excellent counselor, I felt like a failure when addiction hit my own sons. I never imagined addiction hitting my family unit because neither myself or their father were addicts and we raised them to receive good educations, involved them in the boys' club where they excelled in soccer, baseball and basketball. We were attentive loving parents who took them on vacations and had a Monday Night Family Night where we played board games and cards. Their father and I were active ourselves. I played soccer until I was 17 years old and ran track in high school. I loved to ski, roller skate, ice skate and play tennis along with swimming and diving. Their father played baseball and hockey and coached them as kids. We taught our kids all these past times and we had a lot of fun and many laughs.
We also taught them hard work.
I no longer blame myself for the choices an adult makes. I can teach. I can guide. I cannot fit.
I tell myself each and everyday that I will do the best I can with what I know and do it.
I will continue to do the best with what I know. I just have to keep moving forward. These days it is hard to do. One day I hope I can get that spark and determination back. It is gone for now, That frightens me because I have had lows before and at least felt refuge in my work. Today, I do not even feel that. It feels as though a light went off and I do not care if it ever comes back on.
Forward
I wish I felt more enthusiastic about starting this day. I don't. Despite how low I feel I am dressed and ready for work. I felt really down yesterday and to top it off I encountered a lot of internet bashing. Generally, I ignore such nonsense. It bothered me last night. As predicted, some people are being eliminated from my life. If you cannot support me do not pull me into your drama. I am taking several steps back. I am going to protect my own feelings.
Sunday, April 06, 2014
Pain
Really down today. Not just that veil of sadness but heart wrenching feelings of grief. I just want to remain in this chair forever with a comforter up to my chin and sleep so I do not have to think. I do not want to work, clean, shower. eat or answer the phone. God gave me just alittle too much to handle right now. I cannot even imagine getting through the next few days let alone weeks, months and years.
Saturday, April 05, 2014
Researching and Walking in Laurel Hill
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Feel
I heard his voice last night. He sounded ok.
This morning the sun shines bright in the sky and the weather finally feels like spring. I can hear the birds sing. I can feel the cool warm breeze. I can feel the warmth of the sun.
I can feel something other than sadness.
This morning the sun shines bright in the sky and the weather finally feels like spring. I can hear the birds sing. I can feel the cool warm breeze. I can feel the warmth of the sun.
I can feel something other than sadness.
Friday, April 04, 2014
Lost
I went back to work today. I knew if I did not return to work today I would never go back. I had that terrible feeling of sadness over me and it was difficult to get motivated. Somehow I got it together and jumped right into assigning patients to counselors, training a new counselor recently transferred from Friends Hospital and met my three new patients. I am hopeful this veil of sadness will decrease with time.
I heard my son received his first shipment of books. He has four great classics to read this weekend. I placed an order with amazon today for three new vampire books. He read the first three in the series so I arranged to send book 4 and 5. Then, there was another book by the author Dito Montiel called a guide to recognizing your saints. My son is an avid reader and can read several books a week.
I wrote him a letter and added a picture of his child and myself. I also sent him information on St Maximillian. If he is allowed to wear a medal, I want to order one from St Jude Shop and have it delivered. I had contact with his child's mother today and my granddaughter received her cookies from me and her Easter basket from her father.
There are so many emotions bottled up inside me right now that I need to work through. I am grieving. I feel like I have been grieving for over three years. This time the grief feels different. I am not sure I can explain it. I told Bill last night I will probably write a book. Whether or not I can achieve that goal is another question. I have written a book on family genealogy several years ago and had several articles published pertaining to genealogical interests but a real book based on experience and knowledge is a different ball game. My cousin is an editor and a friend of mine has published several books himself so I have some support. I have kept notes and records. Most people who write keep notes and records to draw back on. I really do not know. I am also not afraid to tell the truth to the dismay of others who do not like the truth.
I will travel to Ireland in eleven days. A dream come true. Why can I not feel excited about it?
I heard my son received his first shipment of books. He has four great classics to read this weekend. I placed an order with amazon today for three new vampire books. He read the first three in the series so I arranged to send book 4 and 5. Then, there was another book by the author Dito Montiel called a guide to recognizing your saints. My son is an avid reader and can read several books a week.
I wrote him a letter and added a picture of his child and myself. I also sent him information on St Maximillian. If he is allowed to wear a medal, I want to order one from St Jude Shop and have it delivered. I had contact with his child's mother today and my granddaughter received her cookies from me and her Easter basket from her father.
There are so many emotions bottled up inside me right now that I need to work through. I am grieving. I feel like I have been grieving for over three years. This time the grief feels different. I am not sure I can explain it. I told Bill last night I will probably write a book. Whether or not I can achieve that goal is another question. I have written a book on family genealogy several years ago and had several articles published pertaining to genealogical interests but a real book based on experience and knowledge is a different ball game. My cousin is an editor and a friend of mine has published several books himself so I have some support. I have kept notes and records. Most people who write keep notes and records to draw back on. I really do not know. I am also not afraid to tell the truth to the dismay of others who do not like the truth.
I will travel to Ireland in eleven days. A dream come true. Why can I not feel excited about it?
Another Step Forward
I slept better during the night however I still woke up at 4am. This morning I will return to work. I knew in my heart that if I did not attempt to return to work today, I would probably never return. At this moment I am unsure if I am making the correct decision. Part of me wants to take some time off and look for a different place to practice while the other part of me needs to take that next step forward to some sort of normalcy. What is normal anyway?
Through this entire event I tried to stay on the "high road" despite things I heard or read. Last night I was pretty close to saying "the hell with the high road" and verbally bash some ignorant people. I will not even mention some of the things I read or heard but make no mistake about it, it hurt and angered me. I was ready to use the internet to post some documents (researcher in me) as a way to fight back. At least my husband had some common sense and talked me down from reacting. Make no mistake about it, I will take some sort of action however I will use some common sense and rely on intelligence vs. anger. On the other hand, I may decide some people are not worth it. I believe there will be a book in my future.
In a matter of a few minutes my alarm will go off signaling the beginning of another day. St Ann guide me. St Maximillian guide my son.
Through this entire event I tried to stay on the "high road" despite things I heard or read. Last night I was pretty close to saying "the hell with the high road" and verbally bash some ignorant people. I will not even mention some of the things I read or heard but make no mistake about it, it hurt and angered me. I was ready to use the internet to post some documents (researcher in me) as a way to fight back. At least my husband had some common sense and talked me down from reacting. Make no mistake about it, I will take some sort of action however I will use some common sense and rely on intelligence vs. anger. On the other hand, I may decide some people are not worth it. I believe there will be a book in my future.
In a matter of a few minutes my alarm will go off signaling the beginning of another day. St Ann guide me. St Maximillian guide my son.
Thursday, April 03, 2014
Daily Business and Such
Trying to step back into routine life today. Bills were paid via banking online. Laundry completed. Lawyer contacted. Clothes and books sent. Tomorrow I will go back to work. I slept very little last night so I hope I can sleep tonight. I had a long talk with my Dad via phone earlier and another conversation with my sister.
Thinking a lot about the last two weeks. Holding him in my arms. Reaching my hand out to touch his back. Talking. Planning. Talking some more. He and I are both in the process of adjusting to our new roles in day to day life. I am praying to St Ann the patron saint of mothers and grandmothers and St Maximillian of Kolbe patron saint of prisoners.
He is an avid reader so I sent him The Great Gatsby, The Princess Bride, Of Mice & Men and Lord of the Flies. These are classics and he has read these books in the past and worth rereading. I am trying to get some clarification of the 4th book of the Vampire Series. He recently read the first three. There are so many vampire books on amazon that I really need a title. His father is suppose to get back to me. I can't believe how many vampire books with different authors are on the market.
Ironically, there was an article in the news on Saturday about mandatory video cameras placed in interrogation rooms because of the corruption in the city of Philadelphia. I wish they had that law three years ago. At least the problem has been brought out into the light and it will occur. The number of innocent people sitting behind bars is stagnating. I really think the city needs to take a second look at the bonuses detectives receive for every arrest that leads to a conviction and the fact that they are allowed by the supreme court to lie to justify the end result. I am sure that does not help the problem. I personally think it is sad when one's attorney does more investigating than the actual detectives. If you are naïve of the actions/laws, you can become a victim and be railroaded into a conviction. Asking for a lawyer during an interrogation does not mean one will receive a lawyer so video recording will be a good idea. I do not want to become bitter or cynical when it comes to law enforcement because I have family members who were or still are in law enforcement. A few bad apples should not ruin the bunch. Truth be told, I will never again trust a person in law enforcement automatically except my niece's husband. He stopped by the court room several times dressed in his uniform and offered support. I am sure that was not easy. However, it shows character and courage.
I wonder if I will ever trust anyone automatically again.
I wonder about many things.
Thinking a lot about the last two weeks. Holding him in my arms. Reaching my hand out to touch his back. Talking. Planning. Talking some more. He and I are both in the process of adjusting to our new roles in day to day life. I am praying to St Ann the patron saint of mothers and grandmothers and St Maximillian of Kolbe patron saint of prisoners.
He is an avid reader so I sent him The Great Gatsby, The Princess Bride, Of Mice & Men and Lord of the Flies. These are classics and he has read these books in the past and worth rereading. I am trying to get some clarification of the 4th book of the Vampire Series. He recently read the first three. There are so many vampire books on amazon that I really need a title. His father is suppose to get back to me. I can't believe how many vampire books with different authors are on the market.
Ironically, there was an article in the news on Saturday about mandatory video cameras placed in interrogation rooms because of the corruption in the city of Philadelphia. I wish they had that law three years ago. At least the problem has been brought out into the light and it will occur. The number of innocent people sitting behind bars is stagnating. I really think the city needs to take a second look at the bonuses detectives receive for every arrest that leads to a conviction and the fact that they are allowed by the supreme court to lie to justify the end result. I am sure that does not help the problem. I personally think it is sad when one's attorney does more investigating than the actual detectives. If you are naïve of the actions/laws, you can become a victim and be railroaded into a conviction. Asking for a lawyer during an interrogation does not mean one will receive a lawyer so video recording will be a good idea. I do not want to become bitter or cynical when it comes to law enforcement because I have family members who were or still are in law enforcement. A few bad apples should not ruin the bunch. Truth be told, I will never again trust a person in law enforcement automatically except my niece's husband. He stopped by the court room several times dressed in his uniform and offered support. I am sure that was not easy. However, it shows character and courage.
I wonder if I will ever trust anyone automatically again.
I wonder about many things.
Wednesday, April 02, 2014
When the Tigers Come at Night
I want to thank all of you who have kept us in your prayers, sat endless hours in court, sent a note or made a call. I cannot express in words the appreciation I have for all those who went that extra mile especially my husband, my wonderful parents, my loving and caring sister, Marianne, Mrs. Zysk, Chrissy, Nicole, Greg, Tyreck, Erica, Anthony, Rose, Mark, Rebecca, Donna, Marge, Lisa, Ray and Luke. As his parents, I know I can speak for Joe (Sr) and myself when I say this has been a horrendous 38 months and though we can now have partial closure, it is only that "partial". We have a long hard road a head of us.
Today is the first day in two weeks I did not have to get up, dressed, travel in traffic and sit outside/inside a court room. The feeling is strange. I am beyond exhausted both physically and mentally. I never thought I would read about myself or any member of my family in the news let alone run from reporters with cameras. I never thought I would experience that horrible pain inside where one moment you want to run and the next moment you want to vomit followed by another moment when you fight on. Then, there are all the tears. To feel so weak and so strong all at once.
It is impossible to go through such an event without it changing the way you view the world including the people around you. I will never trust people like I once did. I will certainly not count on certain others to be there in my corner when things get tough. I am especially disappointed in my older two sons and my brothers. Their support was visibly absent. I watched first hand how our judicial system works and I am appalled. There is so much corruption and thievery that unless you have to go through its process you can not comprehend. The one person who consistently seemed to uphold the law was the Judge.
The rain falls today which seems appropriate. The rain is my tears. The rain is the cleansing of the wounds. The rain is the sorrow of the heavens. Money is already on his books. Money is already on his phone cards. Clothes will be purchased and books sent. He spent the last weekend writing out cards for his child to cover the year with instructions for me to mail each one. He ordered her Easter Basket and sent her a congrats card with cash for getting an excellent report card. He handed me his childhood soccer patches, Naval medals and patches of the carrier he was on. He handed me her ultrasound pictures, first Christmas dress, ornaments, Christmas stocking and a bag of rocks she gave him when hiking. We discussed her financial support. He took care of the things he needed to take care of because he is a Dad who loves his child.
As a parent you raise your child/ren to be responsible productive adults. I am proud of my son for taking personal responsibility, for never giving up, and for the courage to face the consequences. I know others think differently. While I was cross examined by the DA, he specifically asked/stated a comment to me and I quote, "You are a mother so you would do anything for your child" I answered, "I am a mother who loves her son" but I want to make something crystal clear, I will not do anything especially lie.
Everyday I make a conscious effort to do the right thing. Doing the right thing does not make things easier in day to day living. However, it is who I am. I have never taken the easy way out. If I fall short, I try to learn and move on with the expectation that I avoid falling short again. I am not perfect. I hurt. I get angry. I get tired. I especially do not give up.
He was convicted of involuntary manslaughter, taken into custody, will be. sentenced in late May and I understand the DA will make an attempt to retry on 3rd degree murder (jury was deadlocked and gave him the lesser charge) so there will probably be another trial at the end of this year. The family will continue to pay legal fees until everything is exhausted. I never understood the term "unconditional love" until three years ago. I never understood the importance of family until three years ago and especially during these last two weeks.
I do not know what the future will bring. I am not even sure I want to return to work. Somehow I need to move forward. I believe in "future pacing", a term we use often in the therapy world and the reason I decided to plan that trip to Ireland. I knew this trial was approaching so I threw myself into planning a life long dream to travel to Ireland. My parents and my eldest grandchild are traveling with us on the 15th of April. I chose the dates carefully leaving on my beloved grandfather's birthday and returning on my father's birthday. Life is symbolic to me.
As a therapist, I use many techniques to help my patients reduce stress. I truly practice what I teach. I got through the trial by listening to soothing music through headphones, played solitaire on my cell phone, walked the halls, prayed and practiced triangular breathing as I waited sequestered outside the court room. I spent a lot of time in that hallway.
I also saw a lot in that hallway which will be left for another post.
At this present time, I am grieving many losses, my son, (his future), my granddaughter, (her father), my naïve way of viewing the world around me.
I will end with this;
" But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed"
Today is the first day in two weeks I did not have to get up, dressed, travel in traffic and sit outside/inside a court room. The feeling is strange. I am beyond exhausted both physically and mentally. I never thought I would read about myself or any member of my family in the news let alone run from reporters with cameras. I never thought I would experience that horrible pain inside where one moment you want to run and the next moment you want to vomit followed by another moment when you fight on. Then, there are all the tears. To feel so weak and so strong all at once.
It is impossible to go through such an event without it changing the way you view the world including the people around you. I will never trust people like I once did. I will certainly not count on certain others to be there in my corner when things get tough. I am especially disappointed in my older two sons and my brothers. Their support was visibly absent. I watched first hand how our judicial system works and I am appalled. There is so much corruption and thievery that unless you have to go through its process you can not comprehend. The one person who consistently seemed to uphold the law was the Judge.
The rain falls today which seems appropriate. The rain is my tears. The rain is the cleansing of the wounds. The rain is the sorrow of the heavens. Money is already on his books. Money is already on his phone cards. Clothes will be purchased and books sent. He spent the last weekend writing out cards for his child to cover the year with instructions for me to mail each one. He ordered her Easter Basket and sent her a congrats card with cash for getting an excellent report card. He handed me his childhood soccer patches, Naval medals and patches of the carrier he was on. He handed me her ultrasound pictures, first Christmas dress, ornaments, Christmas stocking and a bag of rocks she gave him when hiking. We discussed her financial support. He took care of the things he needed to take care of because he is a Dad who loves his child.
As a parent you raise your child/ren to be responsible productive adults. I am proud of my son for taking personal responsibility, for never giving up, and for the courage to face the consequences. I know others think differently. While I was cross examined by the DA, he specifically asked/stated a comment to me and I quote, "You are a mother so you would do anything for your child" I answered, "I am a mother who loves her son" but I want to make something crystal clear, I will not do anything especially lie.
Everyday I make a conscious effort to do the right thing. Doing the right thing does not make things easier in day to day living. However, it is who I am. I have never taken the easy way out. If I fall short, I try to learn and move on with the expectation that I avoid falling short again. I am not perfect. I hurt. I get angry. I get tired. I especially do not give up.
He was convicted of involuntary manslaughter, taken into custody, will be. sentenced in late May and I understand the DA will make an attempt to retry on 3rd degree murder (jury was deadlocked and gave him the lesser charge) so there will probably be another trial at the end of this year. The family will continue to pay legal fees until everything is exhausted. I never understood the term "unconditional love" until three years ago. I never understood the importance of family until three years ago and especially during these last two weeks.
I do not know what the future will bring. I am not even sure I want to return to work. Somehow I need to move forward. I believe in "future pacing", a term we use often in the therapy world and the reason I decided to plan that trip to Ireland. I knew this trial was approaching so I threw myself into planning a life long dream to travel to Ireland. My parents and my eldest grandchild are traveling with us on the 15th of April. I chose the dates carefully leaving on my beloved grandfather's birthday and returning on my father's birthday. Life is symbolic to me.
As a therapist, I use many techniques to help my patients reduce stress. I truly practice what I teach. I got through the trial by listening to soothing music through headphones, played solitaire on my cell phone, walked the halls, prayed and practiced triangular breathing as I waited sequestered outside the court room. I spent a lot of time in that hallway.
I also saw a lot in that hallway which will be left for another post.
At this present time, I am grieving many losses, my son, (his future), my granddaughter, (her father), my naïve way of viewing the world around me.
I will end with this;
" But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed"
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